Beyonce, Taylor Swift and Bieber Successfully Bankrupt Music Industry at Billboard Music Awards

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Monday, 23 May 2011

image for Beyonce, Taylor Swift and Bieber Successfully Bankrupt Music Industry at Billboard Music Awards
Musicians not required the 2011 BMA's. Just make sure the girls kiss.

Yes Virginia, there is another music awards show and it isn't the Grammys, the MTV Music awards, the CMA's, the Juno Awards, or even the Nickelodeon Music Awards. In a last ditch effort to revive the struggling music industry, The Billboard Music Awards was featured on ABC this weekend, brought its heavyweight teen-pop performers on stage, showered them with statuettes, but it was still all for naught.

Rihanna, a name with some recognition beyond that all important 14 - 21 age demographic, was nominated for 18 separate awards. Not 3. Not 5, which would be a good night for any potential award recipient, but 18. And what's not to respect about Rihanna's body of work? With 2010 song release titles including, "Cheers, Drink to That", "California King Bed" and "S&M" (S&M is not referring to Scrubbing and Mopping here), its hard not to respect the sexy and mature 23 year old for a life's work that would warrant 18 award nominations.

Justin Bieber won 5 awards at the BMA's. Sounds a bit like the acronym for bowel movements, and watching the show would trigger one, but we press on. Las Vegas odds makers are still betting on the fact that no one over the age of 15 can name a single Justin Bieber song title, or a lyric. None of that matters of course, because the 17 year old Bieber's career is clearly laudable. People under the age of 17 can look up the word, "laudable".

Beyonce received a lifetime achievement "Millennium" award for her humanitarian work. Something normally received once somebody has lived, oh, shall we say, a lifetime? Beyonce Knowles is 29.

Finally, there HAD to be controversy to wrap up the show, at least as controversial as a scripted, wholesome ABC event can be. Following the duet for the song "S&M", sung by Rihanna and Britney Spears, they apparently had to kiss each other at the end of the song, just in case the audience couldn't make out the lyrics which were of course, not about scrubbing and mopping.

Stuart Pendous, V.P. of ABC's weekend programming says, "It was a tremendous show, filled with tremendous talent, and tremendous live performances, hardly ever looped from pre-recorded material. How about that unscripted, unexpected, totally spur of the moment, controversial kiss, huh? Now that was tremendous."

The end is near. Perhaps that whole May 21st judgment day thing was saved for the music industry.

True audiophiles are finding better quality music off local band websites and purchased at local clubs. Stuff that isn't auto tuned. Songs from local and regional artists that can actually hold a note without the aid of a machine. Musicians who actually play instruments, and music based on lyrics and melodies they have actually written themselves. Wow. What a concept.

"If this is the best the industry has to offer, I'm stealing all my dad's old vinyl and converting it to MP3's", says 25 year old Los Angeles engineer and Rock & Roll music aficionado, Mark Filch. "They can take their auto tune tripe and beat box soundtrack and jam it. Give me lyrics off a Steely Dan song like Pretzel Logic anytime".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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