Robert Pattinson Is Tired Of Twilight

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Sunday, 6 March 2011


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Twilight franchise star Robert Pattinson continues to sweep all before him when it comes to being a top star and even topper sex symbol. You would think he would be cock-a-hoop. But Robert Pattinson is not completely cock-a-hoop.

It's unlikely Robert would use a phrase like cock-a-hoop anyway, since this is the kind of old-fashioned phrase once employed by camp British comics like Kenneth Williams, Charles Hawtrey, and especially Larry Grayson.

Robert Pattinson is clearly in a different league to those kind of performers. But he is also suffering from a lack of cock-a-hoopness for other reasons.

For it seems that Robert Pattinson has grown tired of twilight. We asked Hollywood Tittle-Tattle Oracle Gutsi S Vermont to enlighten us vis-a-vis the Twilight-fatigue situation.

"Yeah, I got a second", Gutsi S Vermont said when we rang. "Not long, though. I got my poodle in for liposuctions and sculpturing. She deserves it. It changed my life, I can tell ya. Look at these cheekbones. I know you can't over the phone, but you catch my drift. They took from my ass to add gravitas to my profile. That's the way they work at Dr Picasso's studio. They have this slogan - 'We Make You Pretty As A Picture'. My lover, he says 'so long as it ain't a cubist portrait!' but I should worry, with these jowels."

But Gutsi S Vermont did eventually get on to talking about Robert Pattinson.

"Yeah. I have it from my old pal Anaconda Witchburner out in Vegas what happened with Robert Pattinson. She had it verbatim, from the horse's mouth.

"She tells me that Robert has been taking time out from his busy schedule, staying at a friend's place out in Scotland, England down up in Edinburgh town.

"It seems there's a guy, some kind of old castle guy like they have over there, who keeps the keys of Edinburgh's Scotland Castle or something.

"Well, this guy also lives down a coupla floors from where Robert is staying in a place at. One day they meet when Robert visits Scotland Castle and has to get the key to get in through the drawbridge. You see, if you don't use the key, they throw boiling oil down and stuff.

"Well, when the guy - whose name is Hamish McSporran or McTavish McJohn or Donald McBrigadoon or somesuch - discovers that Robert is staying in the same apartment block, he is inviting Robert round, for oatcakes and whisky and porage and showing Robert his tartan bagpipes and collection of wallets with no openings. They also go out for a deep-fried Mars Bar and 25 Pints of Heavy followed by a night in jail.

"This is all very well, but this guy kinda gets too familiar, and is never leaving Robert alone. The last straw is when one evening Robert is unable to call Kristen Stewart because this guy, Finlay McMurdo or something, keeps him talking.

"The subject of the talking is Twilight. When the guy McShortbread learns the title of Robert's movies, he is getting out his old genuine Highland gramophone player and regaling Robert with such waxings as "Roamin' In The Gloamin'" by Sir Harry Lauder, who was once King of Scotland. Also, the guy McThistle has a record of Thelonius Monk's "Crepuscule With Nellie" which he then plays. Robert does not get away until about three in the morning, after hearing Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata for the third time.

"When Robert leaves Scotland and gets back home to Kristen, she is sitting up in bed with her curlers in and wearing her thickest quilted bed jacket and smoking Capstan Full Strength cigarettes and eating Pontefract Cakes which she does when she is unhappy.

"She is not for speaking or for making any kind of a truce, so upset is she about Robert not calling her from Scotland. 'Hey, Kitty', Robert says, 'give me a break, you don't know what that guy was like. When in Rome, a guy has to...'

"The mention of Rome is far from wise in this context. For, as Kristen points out, it was in Rome that Robert had disappeared for a whole evening after meeting some Italian Twilight girl fans and afterwards claimed that he had been getting Italian lessons from The Pope.

"So Robert sleeps in the spare room that night, and he is certainly tired of twilight after his Scottish experience."

Thank you, Gutsi S Vermont. No wonder Robert Pattinson is unable to utilise an old catchphrase of camp British comedian Larry Grayson. What a gay day (not)!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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