Old Firm to form Elite League among themselves

Funny story written by tennisman

Thursday, 3 March 2011

image for Old Firm to form Elite League among themselves
Architects' impression of fans in the proposed Old Firm Fight Zones

It's been coming for a while. But finally today, it's happened.

After last night's explosive big game in which not only fans but members of the clubs' management teams clashed, the Old Firm, the Glasgow Police, the Scottish Premier League and the Scottish F.A, the Catholic Church, the Protestant Church and Tennents Lager have announced the formation of a new league.

Called the Scottish Elite Combination, the new division will consist of just 2 teams, Celtic and Rangers.

With the clubs already set to play each other 10 times this season in all competitions and with the huge size of both clubs in relation to all the other Scottish clubs, many have long felt that this new structure was the obvious way forward for the game in Scotland.

The teams will play 38 games against each other, 19 at Ibrox and 19 at Parkhead.

They will also play a League Cup which will start in zone format adding another 10 games and then knock out stages at Quarter-Final, Semi-Final and Final will complete the event.

Tickets will only be sold to fans of the 2 clubs through new membership schemes. But fans will only become members if they pass a strict Religion Test which will involve personal interviews with fans and their priests/vicars who must convince the clubs that the personal religious ferver of each fan is appropriately high; prior attendance figures at Church will be required.

At games, new walled areas, Fight Zones, will be built for fans to be kettled TOGETHER to allow fighting to take place without any threats to normal Glaswegians. Fans will have to pass a breathalyser test to obtain entry. Sober supporters will be turned away.

Pulpits will be constructed at each end of these Zones to allow priests and vicars to preach and/or monitor the taunting between fans as the need arises.

And to prevent the daft scenarios of the last few games where fans arrested by the Police have been driven up to 50 miles away in order to incarcerate them, two new prisons, known as the Big Green and the Big Blue, will be built, one next to each ground, where fans can be locked up quickly and efficiently if they refuse to fight or blaspheme each other.

Inside the grounds, boxing rings will be built on the touchline so that substitutes, managers and coaches can let off steam at any time while the game is going on or even afterwards. Video feeds of these fights will be shown in the Fight Zones outside the ground.

The corridors and walkways beneath the stadia will have padding attached to the walls to allow further spontaneous fighting to take place to and from the pitch in an attempt to facilitate maximum aggro while minimising injuries to the fighters.

Points will also be deducted from team totals if no fighting takes place at any time between any participants of the clubs before, during or after games.

All of this will of course, mean that games will be played behind closed doors, something many have been calling for. Chief of The Glasgow Police confirmed that doors will indeed be closed, 'but only after all the 'customers' are inside', he chortled.

Many other Scottish teams are relieved by the proposals. Under the new structure, ground grading requirements can loosen up as other clubs will no longer have to cater for the thousands of Celtic and Rangers fans. Many are considering knocking down their stands, selling them to football clubs in Qatar and moving back to parks pitches where some feel they belong.

Although the new SEC has not yet off the ground, a spokesman for the new set-up denied reports that English Clubs have already applied for membership of the new structure.

Fans of Millwall, Cardiff City, Swansea City, Luton Town and Leeds United are known to have submitted similar proposals for ground developments at their stadia similar to the plans for the SEC Clubs with the walled-off Fight Zones a particularly popular feature of the possible developments.

Cass Pennant took time out from re-reading his own hooligan book to applaud the proposals. But the latte drinking former hardman fan refused to confirm news of a meeting where he was rumoured to be persuading Lord Coe to integrate the SEC approach at the new Olympic Park when football takes over post 2012.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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