Eddie Albert sightings rampant in U.S.

Funny story written by Frank Cotolo

Saturday, 28 May 2005

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Eddie Albert in his later years, before death.

GRAND MARSHALL, Texas -- Eddie Albert, the versatile actor on Broadway, in movies and on television, known most for his role on Green Acres, died at his home in the Pacific Palisades area of California recently.

Not a day later, Albert sightings have been reported from New Hampshire to Oregon.

The Academy Award-nominated actor was popular, but authorities are surprised that he is falling into the category of Elvis Presley, whose sightings are in the millions since his death almost 30 years ago.

"I saw him dressed like his character, Oliver in Green Acres," said Tawdry McGinn, a housekeeper in a low-rent district of St. Louis. "And he looked alive as life itself to me."

Another report came from the main chapter of the Robert Wagner Fan Club in Saugus, Michigan. Albert co-starred with Wagner in Switch from 1975 to 1978. "It was him, all right," said Fan Club president Milo Staunch. "I always said that Eddie would never die. And when he did, he would fake it and wander the earth like one of you and me."

In Bestworth, Virginia, near a shopping mall, Mr. Albert was reported riding a horse through car traffic. "He was riding that famous dead racehorse, Secretariat," said Ellie McBuntcarver, who reported the sighting. "I always knew that great race horse wasn't dead. Now my favorite actor is riding him around the country. What a great world this is."

At one point the sightings were coming in tens by the minute. Police officer Don Dondon of Wilkins, Texas, said "At one point the sightings were coming in tens by the minute. We could hardly follow up on them. And some of the police guys around here don't even know what ole Mr. Albert looks like, so it was hard for them to confirm the sightings."

One sighting of interest took place in Memphis, Tennessee. "Mr. Albert was with our darling Elvis," said Henrietta Smillbank. "I saw them together in a diner. No one was a bigger fan of both, or is that either of them? I don't know what English is right. I just know Eddie and Elvis aren't dead."

No one wanted to speculate why Mr. Albert would fake his own death, having had a full, rich life for 99 years.

"It's a hoax," said death expert Raleigh Stork. "He's dead and we send our condolences to the family. As for the people reporting sightings, they are liars, fakes and very stupid people."

Miss Bondoni, the famous psychic, was asked about the Albert sightings. "I know that many souls wander the earth just after their death. I know that no one really sees Elvis. They see his wandering spirit, which sometimes is opaque. They cannot see his spirit when it is invisible. And Mr. Albert was a warm man. I hear that, you see, because I didn't know him. I don't think, however, that he faked his death. Faking death is hard. Who knows where to start, after all, since no one knows what death really feels like. I hear it is pretty quiet, though."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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