Texas- Tom DeLay has become full wroth with judges nowadays, and he is looking to his ancestors for an answer. In an interview with DeLay, the House majority leader revealed sinister plans to "make judges answer for their behavior" by hiring baboons as hitmen. Harnessing his natural affinity for animals that fling their own feces, DeLay has gotten quite close to these savage animals in the past week. He is rumored to have attempted to mate, but was met with horrible failure stemming from his inability to tell males and females apart.
What does this mean for judges? In what has become nothing less than a war between activist judges and conservatives, many gavel-toting black-robed justice figures are remaining in hiding, often making rulings from beneath their desks. "Last week I had to sentence a ruffian to 6 years in jail from beneath my desk," says Justice Libruhl. "I ducked right before I ordered the mandatory conjugal visits. I couldn't even get full extension on my gavel bang."
DeLay has been seen meeting with baboons throughout the week. He was even photographed offering candy bribes. Look to him seeking to outfit these baboons with a wide array of lethal weapons. Anything from brass knuckles and baseball bats to M16s and Hellfire missiles could be appropriated by DeLay. It is also speculated that DeLay might impart some of his Kung Fu knowledge to the baboons, Kung Fu knowledge which has helped DeLay rise to the top in the House.
The Democrats are also fearing for their lives, and we could see them in full support of the second amendment of the sudden as they seek a means of personal defense from crazy baboon-commanding conservatives. "I was forced to purchase one of those fearful, ghastly killing machines. I forget what they called the vicious devise- I think it was a 'HK V-94 9mm'," said Senator Weiner, a democrat from Ohio. "I also bought a 'Glock M18', some grenades, landmines, and a samuri blade just for added security. Boy does my Glock spit some lead! Oh! What dreadful things!"
The House ethics committee is scheduled to look into this situation, and judges will have to continue to rule from beneath their desks.