Lady Gaga has almost completed an on-line course to become a priest, capable of marrying homosexual couples at her concerts.
As a devout Catholic, this has angered the Roman Catholic church in two regards.
"First off," said bishop Lee Basher, aide to the Pope, "she is a woman, and we can't be having women with any power in the church. Who knows where that will lead? Secondly, she is marrying gays! Pope Bene has issued an immediate excommunication order. That's her going to straight to Hell! If gambling wasn't a sin, you could bet your last dollar that we will be chaining priests up outside her concerts!"
Stephanie, as her mother still calls her, is said to be unworried by the ex-communication order. She is writing a mass marriage ceremony as lyrics to a song, that culminate in the audience shouting "I Do!" before collecting marriage certificates on the way out.
Ticket sales for the freaky pop-star have gone through the roof on hearing this news, with gay couples buying tickets for themselves and those members of their families who accept them for who they are.
"It's cheaper than booking a church," said Quentin Turtledove. "Plus, they'll be less old dears outside tutting, like at Justin's wedding last week."
With the possibility of marrying upwards of ten thousand couples a night, the Guinness Book of Records has been alerted, and the Gaga could create an unassailable record for the most number of civil ceremonies performed by one person in a month.
Conspiracy theories abound about Lady Gaga, about her really being a man, which, if true, would render the first objection of the church completely irrelevant. Indeed, it would make her quite popular in the priesthood.