Written by Jeremy Paxman

Saturday, 4 September 2010

image for George Michael - "I'm NOT gay, I was just stoned"
Jesus statement: "You gotta have faith"

George Michael has admitted that despite previous claims, he is actually NOT gay and has in fact just been stoned for 10 years.

Asked if he was certain - given his track record of overt gayness - he said "I'm not just certain, I'm HIV positive."

As we all know, George Michael was recently involved in a fender bender (which makes a change from being involved with a fender bender) where he crashed into a photo shop after again getting stoned out of his head. In his defense, George Michael claimed that his record company told him that he'd need to be photoshopped on his next album cover and was just taking the initiative.

Although the media have reported that he checked into a rehab center to cure his addiction to drugs, sources close to the singer have exclusively revealed that he is actually gone into gay-rehab - a process designed to turn him hetrosexual. A friend of the troubled singer confirmed this by saying "With all the drugs he just needs to get into rehab and get himself straight." Another friend (or as he described himself, 'special friend') stated "he's already struggling to get straight in rehab - he got caught having a sneaky fag in the gents." So there we go, empirical evidence of the highest journalistic standards.

It does however seem to be one excuse after another for George Michael. Firstly, when caught soliciting in mens toilets by the police he said "I only went to spend a penny but ended up with two coppers". Then, when caught having sex with strange men in public parks he claimed that he was merely dyslexic and had simply misread the sign that said "Have a walk in our park." And now his latest excuse is that he is not gay but just stoned and that to say he is bodge is just a careless whisper.

Authorities are preparing to throw the book at George Michael after his impromptu ramraid and have threatened jail time. But critics fear that sending him to prison would be like sending a paedophile to a nursery to do community service.

Celebrity friends are rallying round him though. Elton John has offered to involve George Michael in his forthcoming "gay-asian" stage version of the Wizard of Oz (aptly titled "Swallow the Yellow Cock Load") and Michael Barrymore has invited Michael to join him in his new gay pool cleaning venture.

Jesus Christ, notorious fag-hag, has also expressed 'solidarity' with the singer citing the fact that they both share common experience of glory holes (although in Christs case, his glory holes are usually found in his hands and not in public toilets). Jesus issued a statement on the issue which said "George wrote a lovely song about me and Gary Glitter called "Jesus to a child". I back George 100% because you gotta have faith."

And finally, the last word from George was "I need to get straight. I haven't been since Last Christmas."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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