With the news that his show has failed to take the number one Christmas song spot for the first time ever, Simon Cowell is promising a radical shake up of the X-Factor next year.
"There's no more Mr Nice guy," said Cowell, renowned for never being nice anyway. "The gloves are off, as is everything else."
Plans for the show include replacing Lou Walsh with Sam Fox, and himself with Linda Lucadi. Sheryl Cole and Danni Minogue will remain, and all four, now female judges, will wear absolutely nothing, except for Sheryl Cole who has in her contract that she cannot appear nude. She will wear a tiara.
In addition, the cutesy and pleasant acts will be replaced by singing lap-dancers and strippers from across the land. There will be a new category for pole dancing, and another for ping-pong ball firing.
Sugar Honey, a stripper from Legs Akimbo in Kent, is looking forward to the new format. "I'll finally be able to show everybody that I'm more than just a pair of legs with tits on the top," she said.
Ms Honey is unrecognisable to any man once dressed, as not one has every looked at her face. Undressed, however, she is instantly recognisable, and is the bookies early favourite for next XXXmas's number one.
ITV were said to be unhappy about the new format, until the advertisers pointed out the ratings.
