Talentless Hack backs McElderry over Cowell Monopoly threat

Funny story written by Ulver

Friday, 18 December 2009

image for Talentless Hack backs McElderry over Cowell Monopoly threat
Cole sees today's chart results !

X Factor winner and warbling Geordie foetus Joe McElderry does not deserve to be "stuck in the middle" of a fight for the Christmas number one, said Svengali and champion of the unefesibly high waist band Simon Cowell.

A brilliantly conceived campaign urging people to buy rock band Rage Against The Machine's "Killing In The Name of" is trying to break the television "talent" show's stranglehold monopoly of the festive charts.

McElderry's debut single "The Climb" is now neck-and-neck with the RATM for the Xmas number one spot.

Cowell told the Cycle: "My bank balance..... I mean Joe doesn't deserve to be stuck in the middle of this. A campaign aimed at harming my Xmas earnings is unnecessary."

Cowell's comments come after McElderry's brain-dead mentor Cheryl Cole criticised the "mean campaign".

The Girls Aloud haemmorhoid, who worked with her fellow vapid Geordie on The "smug" Factor, said: "I would be devastated to see my little man Joe lose possibly the best thing that could happen to him in his life. Every aspiring pop star or someone lucky enough to win our meat market show dreams of a number one record, no one wants to be a number two."

She said, "Climb is a turgid dirge of a song, little Joe like put his heart, soul and anus into every single week of the show and I can't bear to see him lose out to a mean campaign that has nothing to do with his efforts, well by efforts I mean the sheer luck he had to get votes off pre-pubescent girls and other Geordies rather than actually employing any real hard work or talent."

She then began to stamp her feet and stated,"I'm going to scweam and scweam until I'm sick!" the spoilt bint went on to say, "If that nasty song, or should I say campaign, by an those howibble Americans is our Christmas number one I'll be gutted for him and our charts, and I may also lose out on some valuable advertising rights or possibly some cash!"

The battle has apparently gone a long wasy to shrinking the massive hole in the earth's protective Smug Zone layer which was torn asunder when Cole's young apprentice won the show.

Despite predictions that the show's winner would storm ahead when his CD went on sale on Wednesday, the political rock act are still way out in front.

The Climb had been available as a download since Monday, the day after McElderry's dubious victory over Essex cheeky-chappie Olly Murs. The 18-year-old has managed to narrow the gap, with the difference between them now at around 40,000 copies.

Normally we at the Cycle wouldn't get involved in a childish tit for tat exchange, oh go on then we would, but Cowell and Cole's moaning and groaning about the "unfairness" of their monopoly of execrable shite being threatened has only gone to convince us that Rage Aginst the Machine should be voted for Prime Minister let alone Christmas Number One.

Viva La Machina !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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