Taylor Lautner Steroid Scandal Rocks "New Moon" Set!

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Monday, 6 July 2009

image for Taylor Lautner Steroid Scandal Rocks "New Moon" Set!
Lautner now reportedly so strong he's able to lift heavy objects merely by thinking about lifting them.

VANCOUVER, British Columbia - New Moon cast members today accused co-star Taylor Lautner, 17, of "doping" on the set, taking performance-enhancing drugs clearly in violation of his contract terms.

They alleged that, beginning in January 2009 with steroid injections in his buttocks, Lautner has taken a broad array of performance-enhancing drugs in a doping regimen that has grown ever more sophisticated over the last several months.

Lautner is said to be "highly dependent" on his regimen, using the drugs in nearly every conceivable way, from syringes to pills to topical creams, even blending strawberry-mango-growth-hormone smoothies and topping his pizza with trenbolone, widely used to improve muscle quality in cattle.

Co-star Robert Pattinson has reportedly suggested Lautner's name now have an asterisk placed next to it in the New Moon credits.

"This is clearly a violation of the 'no-doping' clause in his contract - the same one we all had to agree to before starting work on this movie," complained Pattinson. "It's an outrage! I can't believe he's even still on the set."

Lautner, who has gained nearly 30 pounds in recent months, isn't just bigger and buffer now, say his co-stars: His acting has gotten better since he began taking the "performance-enhancing" drugs.

And at least one cast member claims he's more aggressive now.

"A few days ago, he asked me if I wanted to go get some food or something," said co-star Kristen Stewart, shuddering as she recalled the exchange. "It sounded nice, but I couldn't; I had a really full plate that day. I told him, 'I'm sooo sorry, but I'm just waaay too busy.'

"He didn't say anything - his face just froze. Then it turned red, and these two veins on his forehead started pumping like crazy. He... he crushed the empty soda can he was holding into this tiny lump of metal... It was a little bit intimidating."

She said Lautner has become increasingly obsessive about his appearance, spending countless hours posing and flexing in front of a mirror in his dressing room, and she noted that his back has become pitted with acne, his hair shows indications it's beginning to fall out, and "his neck is starting to remind me of a redwood tree."

Questioned by The SFO about possible violations to the "no doping" clause in his contract, Lautner responded by tossing our reporter's automobile across the parking lot, reminding us that, "When you use, you lose."

NOTE: This article fulfills community service obligations for The San Francisco Onion pertaining to violations of TheSpoof.com's strict "no doping" policy.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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