(MIDLANDS) Stourbridge in the West Midlands now has so many lap dancing establishments, that local council bosses are considering changing the historic town's name to Patpong-on-Stour, it has emerged.
The town, with a population of 20,000 in 2001, has five pubs, a nightclub, and now seven lap dancing clubs, a figure that totally misrepresents the medieval hamlet's character, say officials.
Dave Bunyan, a local historian, told the Spoof:
"Since we got all these immigrants from Poland, Ukraine, Kosovo, Albania, Estonia and Bosnia Herzogoveniwotsit and Lapland, there's been no stoppin' 'em! Then there's them Ruskis an' them coloured fellas! We may as well call it Patpong!"
An influx from Eastern Europe has meant that the town's immigrant population now far outnumbers that of the White British minority - some say by as much as 10 to 1 - and a change from the traditional industries of mining, glassblowing, fossil-finding and nailbending, to professions in the service industry has been inevitable.
The massive changes have also put paid to several ancient local customs and pastimes. Lap dancing, it is said, has replaced the more traditional Line Dancing practised by many members of the Stourbridge community.
At The Rhino's Horn, Patpong's newest club, one lap dancer, Vena Schnitzel, originally from Warsaw, said:
"I lap dancing Stourbridgska. Hooray! Thank you very much."
