Hardcore Music Venue Requires Windmilling in Moshpits to Enforce Social Distancing

Funny story written by amey-shetye

Tuesday, 15 March 2022

image for Hardcore Music Venue Requires Windmilling in Moshpits to Enforce Social Distancing
A moshpit with a windmill mandate will let attendees dance without masks

CHICAGO - Amidst fear of permanent closure during the pandemic, famed punk venue Last Exit announced it will be re-opening with live music shows after finalizing COVID-protocols.

"We've tried to come up with innovative ways to appease attendees of our shows where we play mostly heavy hardcore music," explained venue manager Paul Biggs. "While we will enforce a strict mask policy for most of the venue, you are allowed to remove your mask in the moshpit. However, we will encourage attendees to windmill while inside the moshpit in order to maintain a safe distance from the others."

Windmilling, which is swinging ones arms around like a windmill, is a popular form of moshing, is very common at hardcore shows. A mask-free moshpit with a windmill mandate will let attendees partake in the fun of being in hardcore show while letting them take off their masks, at their own risks of contracting COVID or getting slammed in the face.

"I love this new rule," said local punk fan, Jason who plans to attend the opening show next month. "If windmilling through the breakdowns with my mask off is how I get to enjoy a hardcore show in the pandemic, so be it. The first moshpit is gonna be siiiick bro!"

The Last Exit will have free masks available at the pit entrance.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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