CHICAGO – (Satire News) – Actor Jussie Smollett was found guilty of printing up counterfeit $100 bills, as well as harboring parrots that were illegally smuggled into the United States from Peru.
The actor said that it was all just a case of mistaken identity. He commented that since he’s worth about $41.7 million, why in the world would he go to the trouble of getting his fingers full of ink just to print up counterfeit money.
One of Jussie’s ex-girlfriends, Quantanella Felicia Boxx, stated that Jussie is even a bigger germaphobe than Howie Mandel, who is obsessive as shit.
She went on to say that Jussie is such a neat freak that he arranges his socks in alphabetical order.
Quanti, as Jussie and Anderson Cooper call her, revealed that the actor is such a cleanliness freak that he even puts spray-on deodorant in his ears, on his toes, and even in his anal cavity.
SIDENOTE: Tucker Carlson remarked that Smollett plans to appeal the decision on grounds of Habeas Ipso Facto Insanity 101.
