HOT SPRINGS, Arkansas – (Satire News) – The Hot Springs Police Department reports that a tall, slender individual, who looked a lot like Matt Gaetz, but not anywhere near as fat, or as ridiculously overweight, drove up to a McDonalds drive-thru and held it up.
The drive-thru employee said that the man brandished a small rocket launcher and demanded Big Macs, Happy Meals, and ketchup packets.
Vera Jo Mangummy, 17, said that she gave the man, who appeared to have a bit of laryngitis, 19 Big Macs, 7 Happy Meals, and 27 packets of ketchup.
He was very polite, and he thanked her, and told her to have a good day and to limit her sodium intake.
The man was apprehended in the parking lot of a Walgreens Pharmacy, 8 minutes later, where he had gone to buy some medicine for his laryngitis.
Police took him into custody, along with all of the McDonalds items he had robbed and marked them as exhibits 1 through 53.