CORNBREAD, Iowa – (Satire News) – Cornbread police have been called to the home of retired ladies shoe salesman Burton Pissmeister, 59, on at least seven occasions, within the past two months.
CPD reports show that Pissmeister, who is on parole, is known as the neighborhood piece-of-shit practical joker.
The asshole's next-door neighbor, Martha Rue Giggapelli, 94, says that Pissy, as all his neighbors call him, has one fucked up, weird-ass sense of humor and the batty bastard (her words) seems to think that it’s cute to embarrass his pet Dalmatian named (Firefly), by putting a lamp shade on his head.
Martha Rue, said that it’s just not his dog that he gets a kick out of embarrassing, as he also gets his jollies by embarrassing his pet cockatoo (Cocky), his pet gerbil (Trumptard), and his pet porcupine (Spikey).
The Cornbread police took Pissmeister into custody, where he sits on a $17,000 bond.
Meanwhile, Martha Rue and all of Pissmeister’s neighbors are thrilled that everyone of his pets has been removed from his home, and they have all now been placed in permanent homes.