DES MOINES, Iowa - (Satire News) – Iowa’s Department of Statistics has stated that due to a tremendous increase in Iowans engaging in oral sex, condom sales have fallen drastically.
One Evangelical male, Lollard Q. Fugfit, 83, excitingly said that after 49 years of marriage, he was finally able to convince his wife (Matilda May) to go down on him and give him a hooter (a blow job).
When asked by BuzzFuzz reporter Taffeta Kixx, how he managed to do that, Fugfit said that he just pulled his jeans off, and then lowered his boxer shorts below his ankles, and (Mati May) instantly went to “Suck City.”
Kixx, remarked, “No asshole, my question is how did you finally get your prude-of-a wife to give you head (sexalosus mouthalickus).
Lollard, a bit embarrassed said that he just showed her photos of her two brothers (Abner and Gunther) getting blow jobs from their wives, (Brunicia and Rhonda) who are all staunch, card-carrying, dyed-in-the-wool Evangelicals.
SIDENOTE: It is no secret that most female Evangelicals will deny the fact that they give their husbands and/or boyfriends blowjobs, but like Stormy Daniels recently said to Anderson Cooper, 89% of all Evangelical women, who aren’t lesbionics, will lick a di*k faster than it takes Donald Trump to tell a lie (which is about 3.7 seconds).
