BANGOR, Maine – (Satire News) – Bangor’s Channel 91, Eye Spectator News TV, reports that a Connecticut woman named Loreen Yumbrella, 39, who lists her profession as an unemployed prostitute, has been arrested by officers with the Bangor Police Department.
Miss Yumbrella, whose husband left her for a much younger woman back in May, told the BPD that the 701 counterfeit dick enlarging pills are not hers, and furthermore, she has no earthly idea how the hell they ended up in the trunk of her 2013 Kia Key West.
A Bangor detective informed her that everyone of the 701 pills had her DNA, so she’s lying up the ass, and she will end up doing time in New York’s Sing Sing Prison.
Mrs. Yumbrella cried out that she can’t go to prison, because she’s claustrophobic and so physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually she cannot be in a confined space for more than a few minutes.
The detective rolled his eyes, and said that if he had a dime for every time he’s heard that one, he’d have about 400 dimes.