WATERLOO, Iowa – (Satire News) – The American Boys Scouts Organization has asked that alleged predator Matt Gaetz immediately return all of his merit badges he received when he was a Boy Scout.
Records show that Gaetz the Geek, as Nancy Pelosi refers to him, earned a total of 13 merit badges including the Souffle Badge, the Tree Bark Eating Badge, and the Yodeling Badge.
BuzzFuzz interviewed Gaetz’ cleaning lady Jansella Mickly, 42, who said that Matty has no plans to return any of the 13 merit badges and further stated that Mr. Gaetz said he’ll pawn them before he returns them.
Meanwhile, one of the executives for the ABSO has made it abundantly clear that if Matthew Louis Gaetz II, does not return the badges within 72 hours, the organization will release a video that was taken of Gaetz that shows him making out with a squirrel.
SIDENOTE: Gaetz said that it was a female squirrel so there is no same-sex intimacy involved whatsoever.