Unable to find the FPS adjustment, Zach Snyder shoots entirety of Army of the Dead without using slow motion.

Funny story written by StubbornGorilla

Saturday, 22 May 2021

image for Unable to find the FPS adjustment, Zach Snyder shoots entirety of Army of the Dead without using slow motion.
"I apologize for the future Snyder Cut, which will definitely be over three hours long."

In his first foray as his own cinematographer Zach Snyder was forced to abandon his signature move, because he apparently couldn't find the "slo-mo button".

"I thought it would be really obvious, like a big button or something", the famous filmmaker explained. "But I made do, BIG TIME!" the director went on while playing air guitar. "F#@%&ing-A!" he added for no reason.

At first Snyder was really "bummed" that he couldn't use his favorite camera trick, but then he became "totally stoked" when he realized you can play music over images running at 24 FPS. "It was a f#%%$@ing revelation man! I wasn't sure that peoples' brains could process that s#@! in regular speed and still listen to how radical and clever my musical choices are, man, but I think they totally can now!"

Snyder also noted that Army of the Dead was shorter than his movies typically are as a result of the lack of slow motion. "I was really confused after it was edited, and wasn't over three hours long," he explained. "I watched like twenty movies to get ideas for Army of the Dead, which usually means my movie is at least three hours long to fit in all the stuff I liked.

"I mean, watching Ridley come out of that factory elevator with the alien queen chasing her and be like Bishop totally f$#@&ing boned us dude, and then just when you think her and Newt are F&^%$ed he shows up when everything is blowing up and you're like So AWESOME... Also, a F%$@ing blowjob causing the apocalypse, dude? That's like zombies walking around a mall making a deep statement about consumer culture deep!"

Snyder noted that his own original ideas were not quite enough to push the movie over three hours even if it feels like it is when you're watching it. "Even after adding a zombie tiger, yes a ZOMBIE TIGER, so original... it still ended up less than three hours without slo-mo. I was like, NO WAY!"

Snyder also marveled at stumbling upon the concept of depth of field. "Like, I had no idea that stuff got blurry if you move it further away from the camera, man. That is SO AWESOME!" Snyder exclaimed. After accidentally touching the iris, Snyder did his best to keep focus but had some issues. He decided he liked how it looked and continued to do utilize this technique until a grip came over and fixed it during lunch. "Its so rad when stuff gets blurry. I think it really says something deep. Its like your brain went swimming in the deep end of the pool near the bottom and starts felling like someone is sitting on it or something."

Zach Snyder expressed enthusiasm about using the new skills and limitations he has learned during Army of the Dead on future projects.

"Like if I ever bump that light thingy again I would totally use blurry shots! They are so righteous!" the newly minted cinematographer said. "I really think that lubed up bods would still look totally jacked even if they're blurry. I can't wait to do this s#@! on my next movie, because I still have so much to say... and stuff."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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