WEST MONROE, Louisiana – (Satire News) – The man who became a millionaire selling duck whistles, which cost 15 cents to make, for $47.98, has just revealed that he will be running for governor of Louisiana aka The Mosquito State.
Phil Robertson, who just turned 75, said that thanks to the Duck Dynasty reality show, he is now more recognizable than some of his closest friends including Kid Rock, Kirstie Alley, Tucker Carlson, and gay rapper Black Kitty Meow Meow combined.
When Robertson was asked what his platform will be, he spit out a chaw of Hillbilly Hay Chewing Tobacco and said that his goal is to gather up all of Louisiana’s homeless folks, put them on Greyhound buses, and send them all up to Senator Lindsey Graham’s home state of North Carolina.
He then added that he will also be putting a 3% food tax on Cajun Shrimp Etoufee and Creole Possum Burgers, in order to pay for a new 400-acre alligator refuge for homeless alligators to be located in Pelican Balls, Louisiana.
When asked what he plans to do about Louisiana’s horrendous mosquito infestation, he replied that he is going to import hundreds of thousands of sterile male sparrows from Portugal, so that they can mate with the female mosquitoes.
In A Related Story. Robertson stated that he has already received a $65 campaign donation from GOP maven and human pogo stick Ann Coulter.