WEST MONROE, Louisiana – (Satire News) – The patriarch of the reality show “Duck Dynasty” is, as they say down in the bayous of Louisiana, in a world of hurt.
Phil Robertson, who runs Duck Commander Duck Whistles, is alleged to have sold 4,000 duck whistles to senior citizens living in Florida.
It turns out that the whistles are made of reconstituted Guatemalan red clay, and melt after only two uses.
Many of the elderly are reporting that they are having one hell-of-a-time trying to get the red clay taste out of their mouths.
Some of the elderly women are so upset, that they are refusing to take their cellulite pills, as well as their labia majora-reducing suppositories.
Josiah F. Mango, who is the director of the What’s That Smell Old Folks Home, says that he is getting sick and tired of all the damn sobbing and crying that 84% of his female residents are engaging in.
Meanwhile, Phil Robertson says that, if the residents return the duck whistle, he’ll refund their $297, just as long as the whistle is still in its original plastic tamper-proof container, and has not been opened.