(NOT EDITED) SAN ANTONIO – (Satire News) – Now that all of the damn, effen snow has melted, and is now in the Gulf of Mexico, things in the Lone Star state are slowing getting back too normal.
The Vox Populi News Agency is reporting that the millions and millions of pets, who had never seen snow, are slowly getting over their traumatization.
The Longhorn herds that stampeded are slowly all being rounded up; some of the Longhorns have been found as far north as Topeka, Kansas.
Many of the trillions of the state’s cactus did not make it, as the 1000-year-snowstorm demolished well over 85%. For those who do not know, there is nothing on earth that can kill a cactus; except of course for tons, and tons, and tons of damn snow.
On the other side of the coin, Texans who own snow-loving pets such as Siberian Huskies, salmon, Polar bears, and penguins, reported that they had never, ever seen their winter-loving pets so happy.
One resident of Laredo, Texas, Fausto De Las Canciones, said that his pet penguin, “Senor Tuxedo,” was so ecstatic, that he went out in the backyard, and peed so much from happiness, that the backyard looked like a mustard field.
Amazon reported that the day after the first snow storm hit, 92% of their winter items such as snow skis, sleds, toboggans, snow shovels, and snow bras were purchased by residents of Texas.