MANHATTAN – (Celebrity Satire) - Ariana Grande, the pint-sized singing dynamo, has informed the entertainment media that, contrary to what White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany said, she and her boyfriend did not get married in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico.
The songstress recently celebrated her 27th birthday, and says that she made a vow to herself, that she will not marry anyone, no matter how rich he may be, until she turns 30.
Grande told the Wall Street Journal that yes, she is very, very rich, but she wants to make sure that she gets to keep 100% of her massive wealth, and not have to divide it by 2, like Miley Cyrus and Petula Clark had to do.
Ariana expressed regret that she had to cancel her upcoming overseas concert tour, which would have taken her to Afghanistan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, and Greenland.
Meanwhile, Ariana’s ex-boyfriend, Saturday Night Live’s Pete Davidson, says that he is still waiting for Grande to return his grandmother’s walker that he lent her back when the two were a hot item a couple of years ago.