LOS ANGELES – Justin Bieber is still facing sexual assault woes, and says that he has decided to stop signing autographs, taking selfies with fans, and touching adult girls on their tibias.
Bieber notes that Jeffrey Epstein and a prince, a famous wrestler, a Russian cosmonaut, an Alaskan Eskimo, and two presidents did worse than him, and they are all sitting pretty.
He said that he heard that Ghislaine Maxwell, has lots and lots of photos, videos, and even charcoal drawings of very, very well-known, influential individuals who are starting to inquire about flights to Europe.
The Beebs said that to get his mind off of all this mess, he has decided to buy the fabulous race horse, Tiz The Law, who recently won the Belmont Stakes.
Justin said that if he buys him, he will definitely enter him in the Kentucky Derby, as well as in the Tijuana Derby in December.
He added that, in the meantime, he will ride him all over Hollywood, and gallop him at the world-famous La Brea Tar Pits, where he will let little kids sit on him, and get their pictures taken for a small handling fee of $17.