ELMONT, New York – Jockey Manny Franco rode number 8, Tiz The Law, to victory at the Belmont Stakes before a crowd estimated to be about 103, including two hot dog vendors, three security guards, and a stand-up comedian.
"TTL", as Anderson Cooper calls him, ran the race as if he was taking a Saturday evening stroll in Central Park. In fact, Franco said “Tizzy” is the first horse that he has ever seen that doesn’t sweat.
He said that the horse, who was born and bred in New York state, will cough once in a while, and giggle every now and then, but that is about the extent of his emotions.
Dr. Post came in second. He is named after the owner’s wife’s gynecologist, who has said, repeatedly, that the rumors of an affair are absolutely false.
Pneumatic Drill came in fourth. His current trainer used to train bears and elephants for the Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus back in the 90s.
Pneumatic Drill’s father was the amazing Drill Bit, who was originally purchased from an okra farmer for $97.
His mother was the gorgeous Countess Cylinder, who was the first racehorse to have her hooves painted pink.
The number thirteen horse, Giddy Up Girlfriend, sad to say, was scratched from the race when officials found traces of the Coronavirus in her stall hay.