SAN ANTONIO – The Davy Crockett Movie Theater Multiplex in San Antonio, opened its doors for the first time in weeks.
A crowd of movie-goers, estimated to number about 17, quickly filed in.
Ruby Jo LaGrange, 24, was the first to go in. She was not wearing a medical mask, but she did have on diving googles and a wet suit.
Her boyfriend, Harvey LaGrange, 20, (no relation) was decked out in a Paul Bunyan brand haz-mat suit.
A movie usher informed Harvey that, if he was going to bring his emotional support racoon into the theater, the racoon was going to have to wear a medical mask.
There were signs on the concession stand counters that read, “Once the movies start, the establishment will not tolerate anyone coughing, sneezing, spitting, or burping.”
One elderly lady, who appeared to be 98 or 101, was asked if she wasn’t afraid to be around people, since she is old, and all.
She quickly became offended, and hollered out that she had just been sexually assaulted.
A security guard quickly got the situation under control, as he gently threw her down to the floor, handcuffed her, read her her rights, took away her bag of popcorn, and took her downtown to the police station.
Another movie patron, who said he was 87, was asked to, please, put his pants and his boxer shorts back on, and to quit singing Tony Bennett songs.
Everything else went along fairly normally, except when Harvey’s racoon chewed through his mask and bit a nun on her left eyebrow.
The racoon was instantly shot, by a priest who had a ‘license to carry’.
An usher commented that, as the five shots rang out, all of the seven movie-goers in the theater scrambled for the exits faster than President Trump devouring two Big Macs.
A reporter with the San Antonio Suggester-Gazette newspaper stated that several of the movie patrons complained to the manager that the popcorn had a bit of a Lysol taste to it.