The Spoof Guide to making a generic feel good Christmas Film

Funny story written by Ben Macnair

Sunday, 8 December 2019

image for The Spoof Guide to making a generic feel good Christmas Film
You will watch it, and you will enjoy it.

With the Christmas channel seemingly starting to broadcast films from mid-March, they have a serious number of hours to film with cheap, made-for-television films. It can be a lucrative market, particularly if it is shown during the day in November, or December when the ten people who love Christmas so much that they would rather watch a fictional version of it themselves than spend any time with their tawdry family and friends tune in.

For this simple game, you will need no more than a day of your time, a lap-top, the email address of a hotshot producer, and a dice. Your film, characters and storyline will be decided using your dice, and the contents of the tables below. Please write in afterwards and tell us how you did.

1) Your story is set in

1) A small American town
2) A small village in the north of England
3) The middle of nowhere
4) Paris
5) London
6) A small American town which houses the portals of hell

2) Your character is

1) A businessman who has not spent enough time with his family
2) A businessman regretting the affair that he had with the au-pair
3) A recently jilted bride returning to her home town to lick her wounds
4) An orphan
5) A weatherman who is sick of his job
6) A devil worshipper in a small American town which houses the portals of hell

3) Your film is set in

1) Victorian England
2) Post-Brexit England
3) The Napoleanic wars
4) A small town in 19th century America, which houses the portals to hell
5) Tesco
6) Aldi

4) Your cast includes

1) A minor character actor from One Tree Hill
2) A 1970s family-friendly comedian
3) An actor, your parents remember, playing a parent
4) An actor, your grandparents remember, playing a grandparent
5) A disgraced actor from Star Trek
6) A puppy

5) Your story's leading character will:

1) See the housing development stopped at the last minute
2) Realise that the life they have is the one they want
3) Realise that the life they have is not the one they want
4) Unleash the hordes of hell, only to realise that the undead do not pose as much of a problem as they could have
5) Spend more time with their spouse, children and decide it is not as bad as it could have been
6) Realise that the still single childhood friend is the man/woman that they should have been with all along

6) Your soundtrack will be

1) Spooky music throughout
2) Slightly off-key renditions of all of your favourite Christmas songs
3) Mariah Carey and Michael Buble songs throughout
4) A montage with the tune, but not the lyrics to Fairytale of New York, while the lead character searches desperately for a lost child/the last special toy in the toy shop
5) The music of the 1970s, because the film is set in the 1970s
6) The music of the Byrds and the Band, even though the film is set in modern-day Thirsk

Now go out and get this film written. We can't wait to see it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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