Nadiya Hussain: "I F*cking Hate Baking and Paul Hollywood's Squirty Cream"

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 23 July 2019

image for Nadiya Hussain: "I F*cking Hate Baking and Paul Hollywood's Squirty Cream"
"Paul, I said no."

Nadiya Hussain is everybody's favourite Muslim cook, unless you are Donald Trump, in which case it's London's mayor, Sadiq Khan, whose curry Karahi always gets the Donald salivating.

But Nadiya isn't a happy bunny, as she told Food Editor for The Spoof Mme Plagny Toxique in an exclusive interview.

PT. So it's not all rosy on the baking front then?

NH. Far from it. It's bloody hard work being a domestic goddess baking Angel cakes, Carrot cakes, Fairy cakes, Battenberg cakes, Queen cakes, Rock cakes, Rum cakes, Dundee cakes, Birthday cakes, Christmas cakes, Eccles cakes, Maderia cakes, Simnel cakes, Victoria sponge cakes and Upside-fucking-down cakes. I don't even like cakes. Then I have to get the kids ready for school as well, and do my TV show.

PT. Do you have any regrets about winning Bake Off?

NH. Too bloody right I do! It's made my life hell, and everyone expects me to bake them a cake now. Oh, it was okay at first. Mary Berry is a nice old biddy, and Paul Hollywood was very helpful. He gave me advice but as we got closer to the final, he started suggesting that I might like to use his squirty cream, despite me constantly telling him no.

PT. I'm a bit suspicious of his motives.

NH. He's a bit of a dish, but it was all in good fun.

PT. It sounds like you handled it well.

NH. That's exactly what he said in his dressing room at the end-of-show party.

PT. Erm...I think we'll leave it there.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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