Marvel announce new superheroes for upcoming films

Saturday, 1 June 2019

image for Marvel announce new superheroes for upcoming films
The Pope prepares to launch into the air

The Marvel Cinematic Universe tells a complex story, full of the sort of superheroes that simple-minded people love. There have been around twenty films already, each one referencing the others in a confusing way which forces viewers to watch them all.

For the next phase of films, four new characters will be introduced - some of which may be familiar. The Pope has been a controversial character in Marvel comics for years. While hiding a terrible but never-mentioned secret, he and his superbishops fight evil across the world using his powers of excommunication and ecclesiastical jurisdiction. Also he can fly and shoot laser beams from his staff.

The Fat Slags are best known from Viz comics, but have joined the Marvel Cinematic Universe in a bizarre crossover which may leave some fans angered. It is not yet known how the two obese Geordie slappers will fit into the story, or what superpowers they may have - perhaps being supersized and obscenely lewd will be their entire plot. It is rumoured that in one future film, the Fat Slags will attempt to seduce The Pope by revealing copious amounts of flab, in an attempt to make him reveal his secret. It promises to be a masterpiece of comedy.

The fourth new character is Otterman, who was bitten by a radioactive otter when he was young. He commands an army of furry rodents, and uses them to rule an underwater empire. His film is likely to be the first of the new set of films to be released. The Fall of the Otterman Empire is due in 2021.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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