Marvel's 'Avengers: Endgame' Nets $2 Billion And DC Comics...Celebrates?!

Funny story written by Stefano M. Stefano

Tuesday, 21 May 2019

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"Holey Moley, this is the best news EVERRRR for DC Comics!"

Now that 'Avengers: Endgame' has become a $2.6 billion worldwide success, the Marvel movie has been greeted not with jeers and inconsolable depression from DC Comics, but rather cheers and an almost Joker-like psychotic happiness.

Marvel's cinematic rival has been partying non-stop, 24/7 since it became apparent that this movie, the culmination of 11 years and 22 motion pictures, was going to be the biggest blockbuster their competition could have come up with.

And yet the atmosphere at DC Comics has been party, party, party, with the 1930s version of 'Happy Days Are Here Again' by Ben Selvin and The Crooners' (you remember those guys, don't you???) playing non-stop in the background at DC Comics.

"Holey Moley, this is the best news EVERRRR for DC Comics!" gushed CEO Bartholomew J. Binker III. "Marvel has painted themselves into a proverbial corner, and now's our chance to finally, FINALLY take back control of superhero movies! And to think I thought I was going to have to sabotage 'Avengers: Endgame' to save DC!"

When asked what he'd planned to do, Binker kept dancing a jig like it was 1930, and answered, "I was going to get the master prints of 'Endgame' and digitally insert all my guys into the movie! Superman and Batman and the Flash and all the rest of Justice League was going to swoop in and save the Avengers and kick Thanos's ass! But, then, when the film made a hundred trillion, billion, zillion dollars, I stopped myself! I said, 'Great Scott, Binker! Marvel has shot themselves in the foot with their own Iron Man repulsor rays!'"

Binker elaborated as he offered me a piece of party cake that already had a bite out of it, "They've created a 22-film masterpiece that they'll never, EVERRRR be able to match or surpass! Holy overachievement, Batman! What'll they do it with? There's no more Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man, there's no more Chris Evans as Captain America, no more Scarlett Johansson, Mark Ruffles Potato Chips, or whatever he's called, and there's sure no more Thor movies! They stuck him with the Gordons of the Galaxy, or whatever those guys are supposed to be!"

"Fans will be so starved for superhero movies, that now's our chance to save the world, as it were!" Binker laughed as he blew up more party balloons. "Now, DC can have a trilogy of Green Lantern movies, or cross-overs between Wonder Woman and the Martian Manhunter, and throw in Mister Miracle, just because! Maybe more than six people will finally know who Booster Gold is! Oh, I know! Put all the colored superheroes in one movie!"

I choked on my stale party cake and asked him what the hell that was supposed to mean, and he replied, "The coloreds! You know, like Green Arrow, and Green Lantern, and Red Tornado, and the Blue Beetle, and the Blue Snowman and the Mighty Orange! I'm a flippin' genius! Heck, I might even re-release 'Batman Returns' with Ben Affleck's face digitally replacing Michael Keaton's and call it 'Batfleck Returns: What're You Gonna Do About It?', or replace Christopher Reeves's face with Henry Cavill's in 'Superman II' and re-name it 'Superman Cavi-II'! Get it?! BIFF! BOFF! KA-POWEE! I'm gonna be rich! Rich I tell you!"

DC movie cameras are ready to roll in the near future...once the cameramen and scriptwriters sober up from all of the partying.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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