Black People Fed Up with Middle Class White Boys Singing in Faux Jamaican Accents

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 21 May 2019

image for Black People Fed Up with Middle Class White Boys Singing in Faux Jamaican Accents
Tom Walker "Wah gwaan?"

Tom Walker was born in Glasgow, but when he was three years old his family moved to the Cheshire town of Knutsford. He described his upbringing in a 'Glaswegian house' as his parents spoke in impenetrable accents.

George Ezra Barnett was born in Hertford, Hertfordshire. His parents were teachers and George attended primary school in Bengeo. He later studied at the British and Irish Modern Music Institute in Bristol.

So how is it that a ginger Jock and a middle class white boy from the home counties sing in Jamaican accents? As the much-missed King of Reggae Bob Marley is no longer with us, The Spoof contacted the greatest living Jamaican, Usain Bolt, who readily gave his opinion:

"Kiss mi backside, dem is battyboys."

Not quite sure what Mr. Bolt meant by this comment, and, being even more mystified, we thought it best to go directly to one of the aforementioned miscreants and our Entertainment Editor, Mme. Plagny Toxique, doorstepped Mr. Walker at his Cheshire home.

Plagny Toxique "Bonjour, Mr. Walker, could you help me out?"
Tom Walker "Wah gwaan, weh yuh ah seh?"
PT "I'm not sure I understand you, Mr. Walker, but can you explain how you have come to sing with a Jamaican accent?"
TW "Me a ragamuffin who like kick up rumpus, man."
PT "I'm sorry?"
TW "Nice up, man, me no waggonist. You want me to shot yuh a bax?"
PT "You lost me there. I think I'll leave it."
TW "Bless up, man. Nice talking to you. It was a pleasure."

So, the mystery continues as to how these two cultural appropriators manage to sing in faux accents, and why is it that young talented black artists are ignored in favour of those who are white and have stolen their accents? Record company executives look in the mirror...

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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