Administrative Assistant Feels He Was Sexually Harassed On First Date

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 4 May 2019

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Wisconsin. Sources confirmed Tuesday that Biff Spud, a "new hire" at a city administration building in Door County, Wisconsin, was sexually harassed by Human Resources Director, Jennifer Kriels, 39, on a date they had the previous weekend.

The 45-year-old, heavily-tattooed powerlifter (and former competitive boxer), said he was purely offended by the way the voluptuous, physically-fit, divorced, cougar kept giving him subtle messages that she wanted to rip his clothes off and make wild, 'out-of-control,' passionate love to his 'rock-hard' body for hours upon hours after dinner.

Feeling 'vulnerable' and 'uncertain' with his new job as a financial data entry assistant, Biff felt he was forced to say 'yes' to a weekend date with the relentlessly seductive "Jezebel," who purposely exposed her firm, tight, muscular thighs (as well as her massive cleavage) during his interview.

Spud, who hurled 3 men through a plate-glass window and knocked out a 4th individual with his right elbow before throwing a left-hook into a random stranger's face out of pure rage in April, said that Jennifer's constant, lust-driven gazes upon his perfectly-built, muscular physique left him feeling 'uneasy.'

"Human eyes always betray true intentions and thoughts in any given scenario, and the desire to rack somebody silly underneath the sheets of a bed (or against a refrigerator in the dark of night) does not point to the ultimate, spiritual, and universal truth of why we are here as physical beings," Biff stated.

"I have feelings, aims, goals, and desires in life, and I don't want somebody to use me for meaningless, sexual pleasure," he added.

"God Damnit!" he further stated.

Struggling intensely to fulfill his goal in life as an administrative typist while trying to get away from the steamy goddess who wants nothing more than to hold him down and boggle his mind with numerous, erotic, 'Kama-Sutra-like' positions, Biff further complained about the braless women he sees in the gym, whose breasts bounce up and down constantly underneath their shirts while they use the elliptical machines.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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