Bloody Who?

Written by Rob Barratt

Sunday, 21 April 2019

image for Bloody Who?
Bradley Walsh - host of ITV's The Chase

Bloody Who?

I was watching a daytime quiz show, I think ITV2
It was chock full of celebrities, none of whom I knew
I didn’t know the TV stars or the smiley, smiley host
'Cos I’d never watched their reality shows that people love the most
No, I didn’t know the programmes’ names or the channel they were on
But I didn’t know not knowing could be such terrific fun
Yes, I really love not knowing who anybody is
I don’t know that contestant who says he’s in showbiz
I love not knowing who he is or even his bloody name
‘Cos I don’t watch the crap that gave this chap his dubious claim to fame
No, I don’t watch TV shows beginning with “The Only Way Is…”
I don’t watch mindless waffle caked in ever thickening layers
I don’t watch dating programmes and not one single soap
Love Island wants me as a guest but they haven’t got a hope
I don’t watch entertainment fronted by an unknown actor
I hate Britain’s Got Talent, The Voice and The X Factor
I don’t know who the judges are. I hate chefs on TV
I hate all the competitors and I think that they’d hate me
I hate that smug narrator. I hate the fake tear-jerkers
I hate the old sob stories and I hate the media circus
I don’t know him. I don’t know her. Who is that so-called star?
I don’t give a shit. I’m a grumpy old git and I don’t know who you are
I slag them off all evening till my purple face is red
These wannabees and nobodies are doing-in my head
If it says the word celebrity I click on the remote
And a little bit of sick comes up and lodges in my throat

I’d like to watch some drama or maybe a documentary
Blue Planet 2 or Doctor Who or an old Sale of the Century
And then I’d know who everybody was. I’d know why they were famous
I wouldn’t have to be a tetchy TV ignoramus
But I love not knowing who they are. I wallow in oblivion
I shout and rant at the goggle box and offer my opinion
I wouldn’t get the sheer delight of swearing at the screen
Or experience the frisson of shouting things obscene
So call me nasty, a boring old fart. I don’t care if you do
‘Cos I like to sit and watch TV and shout out “Bloody who?”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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