It was okay for Gretchen Carlson to strut her stuff onstage during the 1989 Miss America Beauty Pageant, but that was a looonnnnnngggggggg time ago. Carlson, who was born (some say spawned) in 1966, was only 29 then, and she had, according to the judges who voted her a winner, “a killer bod.”
Now that she's older and grayer and her “assets” have begun to sag (more than a little, according to the makers of Miracle-in-a-Bra), she's not as keen on younger women parading around “nearly naked” in thong bikinis.
President Donald Trump, who formerly owned the Miss Universe Beauty Pageant, said, “I think, now that Gretchen's no longer quite so fetchin', she's jealous of younger women who still have a little wiggle in their walks.”
“We shouldn't judge women by their physical appearance,” Carlson argued. “Instead, they'll now demonstrate their intelligence, know-how, and talents in a grueling interview with the judges, answering such questions as 'Which presidential candidate said he'd visited all 51 states?', 'Was Senator Nancy Pelosi on the commode when she said she had to "pass it to find out what's in it?"' and 'How is corpsman pronounced?'” (The answers, for any aspiring Miss America contestant who is able to read this article, Carlson said, are President Obummer, no, and corpse-man, accent on the corpse.)
“Miss America is no longer a pageant,” Carlson said. “We're not about T&A anymore. We're about the inner woman.”
Not everyone agrees with Carlson's approach. To date, more than 20 million people, most of them former Miss Americas, have petitioned for her removal as the chair of the Miss America board of dictators.
The non-pageant was going to allow contestants to select their own evening gowns for the It's-Not-about-Appearance Evening Gown Competition, but Carlson has since said, instead, participants will be dressed according to “strict standards” based on "sensible" Victorian fashion. “A woman need not show her ankle to be successful,” she insisted.
The change came after it was discovered that some contestants would choose to wear abbreviated gowns with thigh-high slits and strategically placed cutouts exhibiting their breasts and buttocks.
The It's-Not-about-Appearance Evening Gown Competition is supposed to let a girl “outwardly express her self-confidence,” one hopeful said, “and, for most of us, that means showing off the beauty of our bodies. Why does Ms. Carlson think girls enter her freakin' contest, anyway, to show off their 'minds'?”
Reportedly, Carlson disqualified this outspoken contestant. “She was a little too mouthy for my taste,” Carlson explained.