Written by Gee Pee

Friday, 28 November 2014

HOLLYWEIRD, CALIFORNICATE - Has-been "actor" Burt Reynolds, who has lived beyond his means for many years, is offering over 600 "personal items" to the highest bidder at an auction at the Palms Casino Resort in Sin City (a. k. a. "Las Vegas").

The event, operated by Julien's Live auction house, features, among other offerings, fifty pairs of "slightly soiled" briefs, a dozen "gently used" boots, and a plastic foot-long sandwich.

He will also offer, "at a steep discount" junk--that is, "memorabilia"--from his films: a Smokey and the Bandit jacket and shirt that no one wants; a Longest Yard football helmet that he cannot give away; and monogrammed booties from Striptease. In addition, he is selling a pair of Golden Globes (donated by Sally Field) and his one-and-only Enema Award.

To pay his debts, Reynolds is also writing his memoirs, tentatively called My Kiss-and-Tell Confessions about Sally (Because No One Would Be Interested in Just My Own Story) and, pending sufficient enrollment, he may teach a method acting class devoted to "the madness in the method."

"I need to make money," Reynolds admitted, pleading with his "public" to attend the auction, open their heart--"and, more importantly their purses and wallets--and "give to my favorite charity."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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