Thefts reveal retail giant's plans to sell "adults-only items"

Written by Gee Pee

Tuesday, 2 September 2014


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Mallwart: live better (and have better sex, too)

BUG TUSSLE, AK -- Despite its treatment of its employees, many of whom receive minimum wages and no health or other benefits, Mallwart has the reputation, whether deserved or not, of being a "family-friendly" retailer.

However, in the wake of recent shoplifting thefts, some critics suggest the big box store may be less friendly to families and a little too friendly with "adults."

Cleveland police say a young couple were arrested for stealing "sex toys" from a local Mallwart.

The twenty-something man and woman, who claim to be heterosexual, allegedly shoplifted Trojan Intense Pleasure vibrating rings, inflatable "love dolls," a "pocket pussy," butt plugs, nipple clamps, strap-on dildos, and "sundry other items" of an "adult nature."

The couple admit that they are "as into BDSM as" they "are into each other," and like to "practice role reversal, experiment, and try alternative sexual acts."

"We're kinky," the female, age 20, blurted.

"And proud of it," her boyfriend, age 23, gushed.

The couple were initially "verbally combative," but 'settled down," arresting officers said, 'after we placed them in a choke hold, Tasered them three or four times, and sprayed half a can of Mace in their eyes. We didn't have to shoot them or even use our nightsticks on them."

The couple's total take amounted to $535.45, but Mallwart declined to press charges. A spokesperson said, "We don't want any publicity--at least, not yet."

The thefts seem to confirm rumors that Mallwart is planning to add a sex shop to its other departments, and the company's stock has risen dramatically.

"Stockholders are so excited that they may need some sex toys of their own," the spokesperson said.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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