Pandemic an opportunity for investors

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Thursday, 23 April 2020

image for Pandemic an opportunity for investors
How will you milk the crisis for money?

The world might be in lockdown, but there's big money to be made out there by eagle-eyed capitalists.

Funeral company, Grave Situation, of Bury, England have reported a 350% increase in turnover for April, after they offered a two-for-the-price-of-one discount for old people's homes affected by coronavirus. CEO Geoff Soil said, "Yeah, it's all about the Benjamins. Or the Elizabeths, as we call them in the UK. People are dying left, right and centre, and we're rolling in it."

Soil is not the only one to be smiling at the massive spike in deaths. Pension provider, American Retirement Savings Embezzlement, from Boston, have made a killing. "It's swell," said director York Newton. "We thought we would have to pay out all these pensions to old people for years to come. The best thing they could have done is to die on us, because then we get to keep their money. Of course, it helps that we organised a few conferences for the old geezers to discuss their plans. Heh heh heh!"

Another capitalist doing well is Colin Wipe's door-to-door toilet salesman business in Felchester. He now has to conduct his business from a distance, tossing rolls at front doors from the end of the lawn and collecting coins in a bucket on a stick. "I bought all the stock from the local supermarket," said Wipe. "Everyone is desperate. They may as well be flushing their money down the toilet with the prices I charge." He has suffered from some criticism - his business partner was kneecapped while trying to sell toilet paper, but Wipe was pleased because it meant that he could make more sales himself.

So, don't be down about the lockdown. Find a way to exploit the situation, and you could get rich like these heroes. They're the ones who really deserve a round of applause.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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