Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 21 February 2019

image for City Centre Retail Success Story Keeps On Growing
Not Hull, obviously

The value of being selected as the UK City of Culture has been proven beyond all shadow of a doubt, after the news that Hull, the 2017 incumbent, has expanded its city centre retail trade exponentially, according to local gossip.

Despite losing its Littlewoods and British Home Stores stores in recent years, and Sports Direct, Miss Selfridge, New Look, Bonmarché, Ann Summers, Domo, American Golf, Maplins, Grainger Games, Clinton's, Toys R Us, Farmfoods, and important local music venue Fruit, as well as numerous pubs, bars and restaurants, all in 2018, the boundless optimism and enthusiasm of the exuberant northern outpost has paid off, with the opening of three new charity shops, to excite the interest of those who hanker after owning other people's unwanted cast-offs.

Also new to the East Yorkshire shopping extravaganza experience are Poundcruncher, Arsescratcher, and Tenbobwise, three cut-price stores full of shit from Asia that won't last long, but, then, won't cost you much either.

The number of charity shops in the city has exploded over the years, from just 27 in 2006, to 88 by the end of January 2019, and the trend is expected to continue. Discerning customers can pick up all the latest clothing fashions at almost-giveaway prices, even if they have a slight tear here or there, or a tiny spunk stain around the crotch. Shoes that have been worn by someone else may be a problem for some people, but not the folks of Hull, who go happily hobbling along the city streets, looking like spastics after a night out. House decorations, tableware, and bed linen humming of piss, as well as books, CDs, computer games and children's games that have components missing, are all part of the cheapfucker's shopping excursion, and not to be missed by those looking for a bargain.

Hull is an exciting day out, and can be reached by car, bus and train with ease.

None of the above is true.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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