Whole Foods Targets Local Markets with “Enhanced Whole Foods” in NYC and “Holy Foods” in Nashville, TN

Written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 28 August 2018

image for Whole Foods Targets Local Markets with “Enhanced Whole Foods” in NYC and “Holy Foods” in Nashville, TN
"Broccoli's passe," said Whole Foods CEO John Mackey. "We can do better."

It's no secret that Americans love] processed foods or that plenty more love Jesus – and Whole Foods CEO John Mackey recently announced that the company will be tapping into local sentiment by bringing specialized branches to certain markets, beginning with Enhanced Whole Foods in New York City and Holy Foods in Nashville, Tennessee.

“In in high-powered urban areas like Manhattan," stated Mackey, "people are tired of the old-fashioned, 'crunchy' way of eating. They want modernity, convenience, and the latest in genetic optimization. And that's exactly what Enhanced Whole Foods will provide.”

Mackey pointed out that, in fact, that's what even Whole Foods is already providing, given that the large majority of foods sold in the store cannot be considered, in any way, shape or form, "whole." However, the CEO explained that in the event that some customers people happen to be misled by the corporate name, the "Enhanced Whole Foods" moniker aims to make quite clear to people that they can count on the store for the highly processed food-like substances that have become the mainstay of their diets.

Of course, innovation and technological optimization are not everyone's priorities when it comes to food choices. Noted Mackey, “Some folks just want Jesus!"

For that reason, the Whole Foods CEO explained, the company has launched its second specialized market, Holy Foods, targeting devout Christians in Nashville, Tennessee, and other parts of the Bible Belt. "After all," he asked rhetorically, "who wouldn't want food that's been touched by angels?”

According to Mackey, one of the most popular products thus far at the newly opened Holy Foods in Music City is "donut holies" - which, by all accounts, are truly divine.

Mackey assured shareholders and customers alike that animal flesh and secretions branded as "humane" will continue to be prominent offerings at both Enhanced Whole Foods and Holy Foods.

"It's not their fault they don't have souls," acknowledged Mackey. "But it's also not my fault that Whole Foods hasn't got one either! And it's the folks with souls who are buying our stuff."

Mackey concluded by stating that whether it's bringing Americans the best in genetically-modified corn and soy products or the flesh of those unfortunate creatures lacking souls, the company's main aim is enhanced quality of life.

"Broccoli's passe," he declared. "We can do better."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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