"Leave him alone, he's just a kid" screamed Clarissa de Pfeiffel-Johnson as her ten year old son Boris (no relation) was led into a police van in handcuffs. His crime was to be caught using a stolen scooter to carry out muggings on unsuspecting Londoners. Soon the arresting officers were surrounded by a baying mob of Islington mothers.
Scooter crime is a recent phenomenon and The Spoof spoke to one young hardened miscreant gang member on the condition of anonymity, nine year old "Tarquin".
"Mainly we do it for a laugh, there's not a lot of dosh involved. It's just dinner money, sherbet dabs, Haribos, liquorice sticks, Mars bars, stuff we can offload or scoff quickly. The easy targets are girls. Girls, I hate them. Nasty whiny things. We pull their pig tails or give them a Chinese burn and make them cry. They're just soppy 'cos they always tell their mums."
Metropolitan Police Commissioner, Cressida Dick (no, really) issued a police statement.
"The Metropolitan Police is determined to put a stop to this outbreak of criminality. We appeal to parents everywhere to keep an eye on their children. Do you know where they are? If you have any worries, take out a subscription to Fortnite or send them to bed early and stop their pocket money. That should do it."