NEW YORK, N.Y. - In a nebulous correspondence sent from his cell phone via Twitter at 3:13 a.m. on Sunday, Jan. 1, 2017, Donald Trump tweeted: I will be moving each and every one of my businesses from the USA and other countries to Russia.
Although this would be an insane business move, the media has lately taken the approach of considering each and every one of Donald Trump's Twitter notes as ipso facto.
Does he intend to move all his golf courses, his hotels, his casinos, and yes, even "Celebrity Apprentice" and any future beauty pageants he may MC or produce to the Soviet Union? Such a move would be unprecedented in American history. Never before has a U.S. billionaire businessman divested all his business interests domestically and thereby forsaken Old Glory for the Sickle & Hammer.
"I don't know what he's talking about," says Trump's Trump Tower Butler, Eugene Storm. "In fact, I don't think Mr. Trump really knows what he's talking about...He lays down in bed sometimes, or sits upright in a hard wooden chair, and when the sleepy time mood starts encroaching in, he'll jump up in a daze, grab his cell phone, and start tweeting."
"He hasn't had a decent night's sleep in years, I don't think," Storm told The Spoof.
Donald Trump was unavailable for comment this morning but The Spoof was able to contact Vladimir Putin, Russia's President, and Putin said "I'm overjoyed that my friend has decided to make such a large investment in our country. I will do everything I can to assure that he eventually becomes a Soviet businessman."
Already, the news has spread like wildfire, especially in the rank and file of Trump's own workforce. The move of all Trump's companies to Russia would put a plethora of hardworking American men and women out of work. And what was that campaign promise that Trump wants to keep American jobs in America? He said there will be stiff penalties for those who move overseas. Will Trump penalize himself?
"I got my work notice this morning of this ridiculousness," said Evelynn Whitehead, a maid at one of Trump's hotels in Las Vegas. "In fine print, it said if we want to keep our jobs, we can always apply for citizenships to the Soviet Union. Yeah, like I'm going to do that. I'll go across the street to Trump's competitor and I'll be more than happy cleaning rooms, spraying air freshener and bug repellent, and cleaning filthy linens there. I'm not going to Russia."
Miles Murdoch, who operates greens mowers and gang mowers to cut fairways at one of Trump's golf courses in Florida, said, "What's going on here? Is there going to be some kind of land swap between the Russian government and the USA? My furlough notice said I could apply for a Soviet citizenship to be a groundskeeper at a golf course in Siberia. I'd rather just stay right here in the Sunshine State and work for a golf course owned by Vladimir Putin."
"I'll be more than happy becoming a Russian," said Domingo Gonzalez, who is currently an undocumented Colombian immigrant who works on a construction site owned by one of Trump's conglomerates. "There's no sense in staying here and getting deported back to Colombia and I have no problem learning to speak Russian and living over there. I hear it's kind of dangerous in Russia but look where I come from - do you think it's the Good Ship Lollypop?"
A lot of things are up in the air right now and there's no telling what may happen after Donald Trump becomes President on Jan. 20. Stay tuned to Twitter for updates on what he thinks - the best time to catch him is very early in the morning, or actually, in the dead of night.