10 Things Not to Say on Your First Date
1. I left my wallet at home. 2. Gee, you remind me of my mother. 3. I have a slight touch of Ebola but it will pass. 4. I think George W. Bush is probably one of this century's greatest leaders next to Tony Blair and the late great Ronald Reagan. 5. Love is not sex. 6. My dad is a funeral director. That's why I work in health insurance. What do you do? 7. If I was a woman I'd sta...
Read full story"Satan Socks" Vicar Banned from Todmorden Pub
A vicar who believes shoes and socks are "the tools of the Devil" has been turned away from a pub in Todmorden, West Yorkshire, for being barefooted. Martin Chuzzlewit, 56, landlord of the Splintered Potsherd on Boundary Street, asked the Reverend...
Read full storyApple Watch's killer app: it reinvents time
Cupertino, California -- Enthusiasm for the launch of Apple Watch zoomed off the charts this week, as reviewers focused on an advanced capability of the digital timepiece. It is an exclusive app called the "Apple Global Time Zone™ and it promis...
Read full storyFirst Body Part Found At Trump's New Golf Course
Ferry Point, The Bronx, NY - With winter's harsh grip loosening across the New York City region, golfers are dusting off their clubs and getting ready to hit the links for the 2015 season. But this year, NY golfers are in for a special treat, as Dona...
Read full storyJihadis insist Jesus was decapitated for drinking wine at Last Supper
Syria - IS Jihadis are claiming responsibility for beheading Mexican stevedore Jesus Gonzales after viewing cell phone footage of him quaffing bottles of Rioja at a Barcelona restaurant called Ultima Cena, Spanish for 'last supper'. The Cancun doc...
Read full storyBird Tables Recalled After Bachelor Finds Sparrows All Over Bird Bath
A leading lonely hearts magazine has withdrawn advertisements for bird tables, which misleadingly claim that a certain brand of bird table will attract hundreds of 18-30 year old single women to suburban gardens. The publicity photograph shows s...
Read full storyJohn Kerry/EU: You're Gonna Make me Verbose When You Go
John Kerry has issued a (somewhat) heartfelt and (entirely) disinterested plea for Europe to stay in the EU. But for some reason his customary shine, polish and wide-eyed eloquence of a typical well-beloved fairly centre-leaning Secretary of State has temporarily deserted him. For some inexplicable reason, the notable public figure in question is straying into the kind of long-winded verbo...
Read full storyJean-Claude Juncker Admits to Despising the EU AND Europe
Every one's favourite cognac-admiring Eurocrat, Jean-Claude Juncker, has made some surprising revelations to a famously objective UK media outlet. You know what, I actually can't stand the EU and Europe! The renowned deconstructor of achingly right-wing/left wing stereotypes and mutual antagonisms cantankerously continues: I mean, seriously! This is the one continent in the world where...
Read full storyVindictive parcel delivery driver Thomas Watkins dismissed from DCP parcels. Warrington sleeps easier now.
DCP parcels in Warrington have confirmed the dismissal of delivery driver Thomas Tomkins after his his historical grudge campaign on customers he knew. Thomas Tomkins, a well known town drunk and street fighter, carried out his eleven month caree...
Read full storyBoris Johnson and supper chums asked to leave Toppo's Restaurant after lewd comments
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, announced at Toppo's Restaurant in WC1 yesterday that the word Conservatory is a combo of the words Conservative and Tory. He reminded his supper dining chums that conservatories originated in the 16th century when...
Read full storyGame of Thrones author's writing pace set to quicken as he is writing from prison
Fans have been celebrating the recent imprisonment of Song of Ice and Fire series author G.R.R. Martin, since it means he will almost certainly be writing a lot quicker from his cell, without any of the distractions which have plagued the author's ou...
Read full storyWorld's Second Oldest Person Admits Chances Of Keeping Title For Long Doubtful
Just days after becoming the world's oldest documented person, 116-year-old Gertrude Weaver died Monday in Arkansas. Weaver became the oldest person in the world after the death of a 117-year-old Japanese woman last week, according to records kept...
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