Apple Watch's killer app: it reinvents time

Funny story written by Michael Balton

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

image for Apple Watch's killer app: it reinvents time
A free needlepoint kit is included with every Apple Watch to help you pass the time.

Cupertino, California -- Enthusiasm for the launch of Apple Watch zoomed off the charts this week, as reviewers focused on an advanced capability of the digital timepiece. It is an exclusive app called the "Apple Global Time Zone™ and it promises to radically change the way business and industry tell and keep time.

"The current worldwide system of dozens of time zones is a confusing jigsaw puzzle," said Rex Walters, the company's Chief Clock Watcher. "It was developed to sync everything to the pace of steam locomotives and sailing ships by fragmenting the global ticker.

"The Apple Global Time Zone™ reconnects time across the business universe, providing one clock reading of hours minutes and seconds for everyone on the planet. And it's all delivered exclusively through the Apple Watch."

Among the main benefits of the Apple Global Time Zone™ is what is being called "the branding of time." Designed for use by attorneys, plumbers, ad agency execs and anyone who bills on the clock, Apple Certified Time™ provides irrefutable documentation of the time the Apple Watch wearer spent on a particular job.

"Billing disputes will become a thing of the past, because Apple time is certified to be true and accurate," Walters said. "So if your time is valuable, you'll want to be working in the Apple Global TimeZone™ with your Apple Watch."

Long term benefits are claimed as well. At the news conference that launched Apple Watch, the company provided data that showed use of the Apple Global Time Zone™ typically tripled productivity in companies that beta tested the watch.

"That's because the Apple Watch eliminates the concept of quitting time. You're working around-the-clock and delivering three shifts for the price of one," Walters said.

"Plus, the watch increases the value of your time. Apple Global Time is time elevated to the gourmet level."

Walters ticked off other Apple Watch apps that are in the works. Among them is an RIP function which senses heart failure and automatically delivers reviving electric shocks. The action continues until your mortgage is paid off.

A time machine app was to be included in Apple Watch, but it's developers ran into some technical snags. The complete collection of Back to the Future films was included instead.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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