As Russia And Ukraine Head Towards War English Troops Massing At Scottish Border
The UN has announced that it is concerned with reports claiming English troops are massing at the Scottish border, drawing parallels between Russia and Ukraine. Sunday's referendum held in Ukraine's Crimea region, which resulted in Crimea becoming...
Read full storyArizona Governor Jan Brewer Wants To Ban Same-Sex Couples From Visiting The Grand Canyon
PHOENIX - Jan Brewer, the lame duck governor of Arizona, has privately said that she is not leaving office without making some hellacious waves. Governor Brewer allegedly told a very close friend that she is serious about her anti-gay and anti-les...
Read full storyKaty Perry Confesses She Would Love To French Kiss Lindsay Lohan
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Katy Perry has said that she did not really care for the lips-on-lips kiss that she received from Miley Cyrus AKA, The Princess of Twerking. She said the reason was because Miley tried to put her enormous, lizard-looking tongue do...
Read full storyMichigan Explains Why It Will Now Allow Same-Sex Marriages
ANN ARBOR, Michigan - The state of Michigan has just announced that it will now allow same sex couples [i.e. a guy and a guy or a gal and a gal] to enter into holy matrimony. The state's thousands of same-sexers cheered so loudly that people livin...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Nearly Naked On Unicycle
Well, we know now that there is still more ways to perform on stage while you are singing. Last night Miley Cyrus appeared at "Le derrière" wearing a string bikini and riding a unicycle. Oh, she also wore a tophat, that kept nearly falling off.
Read full storyRussian cosmonauts kicked off International Space Station as sanctions start to bite
Space, the Final Affrontiere - Up to half a dozen Russian space men will be getting the boot this weekend amid Starfleet suspicions their Klingon credentials are a pile of Romulan crap. An executive order signed by United Federation of Planets com...
Read full storyAle Vs. Amens
A recent study conducted by science people wearing white lab coats, in sterile laboratory type environments, of job satisfaction in Britain has come out with some shocking results. Jobs in farming rated as having among the happiest workers in the...
Read full storyChina Informs North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un It Has Had It With His Missile Antics
HONG KONG - The Republic of China has just informed Kim Jong Un that they will no longer tolerate his constant shooting off of his wayward missiles. A representative for the Chinese government stated in no uncertain terms that China has had it wit...
Read full storyCricket Comprehension
There was much head scratching and pipe choking this week at the sudden announcement of yet another app. for the iPhone. In a move that has been conversely called "inexplicable", "absurd" and "what the hell?" Apple recently proclaimed the coming of a...
Read full storyMan On The Street Says Economy Sucks
Lucas Mattingly, a man on the street, says that the United States economy has gone to S*it. "I blame the President and the continent", he told the people who would stop and listen. He also happened to buttonhole Tom Thatcher, reporter at large (40...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Talks About Her Sunburn, Her Butt Bruise, and Her Twerking
TAMPA, Florida - It appears that Miley's parents never told their little moneymaker about sunblock. The "Wrecking Ball" singer took to the sun and sand and ended up with sunburn and a Picasso painting shaped bruise on her caboose. Miley was ask...
Read full storyWhy I Will Not Go See the New Blockbuster Movie Noah
Like many who grew up in this Christian nation, I read the story of Noah's Ark in Genesis 6-9 as a kid. Then later, as an adult who could tell the difference between fairytales and reality, I read it again. Unlike parts of the Bible (like Ecclesiastes) which I've returned to more than once for their beauty and wisdom, the story of Noah's Ark is one I rarely go back to. It's a perplexing story...
Read full storyPresident Gets Rough on Justin Bieber
President Obama says that this time Justin Bieber has taken his bag of tricks a little too far. A steaming President says that he will deport the young man as soon as his own wife and family return home. Bieber is accused of blowing up the Hoov...
Read full story5 Questions about Ukraine and Crimea you're afraid to ask and really shouldn't ask
WASHINGTON D.C. - As Vladimir Putin defies Washington's wishes, millions of Americans are left asking questions that would never be asked in other first-world countries. Spare yourself some embarrassment and commit this info to memory. Also, change the subject if someone brings all this up in conversation. 1) Is it "The Ukraine" or "Ukraine"? Short answer: Who the hell cares? Long answer: I...
Read full storyPope Francis not Frightened of Mafia "Cissy Boys"
Pope Francis told shocked Mafia delegates at a meeting of Godfathers yesterday that their blood-stained money, blood-stained power and bllod stained handkerchiefs, can't now be taken with them into the next life when the new blood stain laundering me...
Read full storyThe Ukraine Mandates That All Bars Be Closed Immediately
KIEV, Ukraine - Word coming out of the Ukraine is that the government has issued a mandate that will go into effect immediately. The Ukraine has proclaimed that as of now, all bars will be closed indefinitely. The reason that is being given is...
Read full storyThe John & Bob Denver International Airport Is Starting To Have Problems With Wayward Drones
DENVER - The John & Bob Denver International Airport located in the Rocky Mountain city of Denver is one of the first in the United States to report a wayward drone problem. Airport director Washburn Bookbottom said that it became a full fledg...
Read full storyPopular California Tattoo Artist Says A Very Famous Celebrity Inquired About Getting A Butt Tattoo
VENICE BEACH, California - One of the most highly respected tattoo artists in the United States, Bong Bong of Venice Beach, said that he has just received a call from a famous celebrity inquiring about a tattoo. Bong Bong said that the celebrity i...
Read full storyAl-Qaeda Buys A French Destroyer
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States CIA has just learned from a source within Al-Qaeda that the terrorist group has just purchased a 27-year-old destroyer. The information was texted to a CIA receptionist and was traced back to a Fasheen Kazdeli...
Read full storyBen & Jerry's To Introduce An Ice Cream In Honor of This Year's Snowzilla
SOUTH BURLINGTON, Vermont - The ice cream creators at Ben & Jerry's in Vermont have been working overtime creating a new flavored ice cream in honor of all of the East Coast winter storms that have been battering the upper right side of the USA.
Read full storyPope Francis Warns Joan Rivers She Better Stop With Her Hate-Filled, Venom-Spewing Ways Or She'll End Up In Hell
VATICAN CITY - Pope Francis recently stated to a group of Cardinal trainees at the Vatican that he cannot stress enough the fact that they need to remember the tremendous lawsuits that a group of libido-crazed priests have cost the church. He told...
Read full storyBlake Shelton Says That He And Porn Star Pretzel Garibaldi Are Just Good Friends
LOS ANGELES - Country music recording artist and star of The Voice Blake Shelton has said that he wants to clear up a matter that the media has grabbed a hold of. Shelton, who is married to fellow country artist Miranda Lambert, told Buck Yazoo wi...
Read full storyWhoopi Goldberg Into Another Fight With Barbara Walters
After several other fights on the air of The View, one earlier with Barbara Walters, Whoopi was at it again yesterday. Also, Barbara Walters had plenty to say. "She has no talent and so she has to go about attacking people to keep her name in t...
Read full storyPope Francis Issues Approval For Condoms To Be Used For Entertainment
Pope Francis this morning stated that it was permissible for Catholic Clowns to use blown up condoms to make poodles and other small animals out of them. "But no eroticism or use of French Ticklers ot glow-in-the-dark!" The Clowns were overjoye...
Read full storyBook Review - Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne
This book was a little too deep for my liking. As a shallow sort of guy I was a little out of my depth. As I read it my heart sank as I plunged into a depression. I do not like to whale, and I am not fishing for compliments, but this was oceans worse than my book, Seven Leagues Under the Sea. Anyway, I hope that in the years to come Miss Verne writes other books, she is a talented write...
Read full storyPope Frankie the Argie will hear Obama's confession at the Vatican on Thursday
Washington - "If things get sticky Mr President you can always tell him one of your, uh, altar boy jokes," the head of the Secret Service chuckled today, "the one about anointing with Ecuadorian oils bound to be to his taste." The pre-visit preppi...
Read full storyBook Review - The List by Steve Martini
A Twat is a MASSIVE fan of Steve Martin. He loved him in Parenthood and Parenthood 3 (not so hot on Parenthood 2) and he is utterly hilariously as that guy with the big nose. A TWAT DID NOT KNOW HE WROTE BOOKS! Wow! What a talented guy, despite his big nose. What the list is, A Twat does not know, by A Twat, who is continuing to write in third person, also could write a book about lists...
Read full storyBook Review - The Postman Always Rings Twice by James M Cain
A Twat wishes his postman would ring once! Many a time A Twat have missed letters and packages because he is too LAZY to ring the doorbell...and he hates A Twat's pack of rottweilers that A Twat allows to roam around in A Twat's yard. A Twat suggests that A Twat's postman read this book and consider ringing at least once in future! A Twat liked this book and A Twat has today decided to refer...
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