Topless Lebanese skier Jackie Chamoun to be the official face of the new Thunderbra
Sochi, Black Sea - Lissom blond 22 year-old Lebanese skier Jackie Chamoun has been offered a whopping $5 million contract as the official 'face' - ok, ok, tits! - of the new Agent Provocateur Thunderbra, 'the brassiere that knocks the spots off the W...
Read full storyRepresentative Barred From Restroom Is Desperate
An Arizona state House committee on Friday will hold a hearing on a bill that could jail undocumented immigrants if they use public restrooms or other public resources like schools or roads. The Committee on Federal and State Affairs will consider...
Read full storyF-35 Joint Strike Fighter drones should be deployed to stamp out illicit reefers says DEA boss
Washington - "Stands to reason," DEA head of operations James L Capra told a Senate hearing this week, "that's what these Joint Strike drones were invented for, long distance destruction of reefers and chillums." Capra was pleading to save his ass...
Read full storyWelsh Tourist Board says Dylan Thomas's shed is too exciting
Welsh poet Dylan Thomas's writing shed is being sent to England as a heritage promotion as it is causing sexual hysteria among female tourists who frequently confuse the dead poet with Tom Jones. The shed, built last month, will be taken around th...
Read full storyFirst Colorado Pot Bank & Trust back in business
Denver, Colorado - The Highest State's first bank dedicated to cannabis deposit business has finally been given the nod by the Federal Reserve to apply for a full-on banking licence. Established in 2011 by a consortium of wealthy potheads from th...
Read full storyRussian oligarchs revealed as Clinton Foundation bagmen
Little Cock, Arkansas - Temperatures his a crazy 75 degrees at Sochi's VIP yachting marina this weekend where a motley ragbag of seedy Russian billionaires was seen toasting their tootsies in the balmy winter sunshine. Their IDs are the subject of...
Read full storyChild Jailed In U.S. For Defending Science
The most famous early battle between science and religion was the trial of Galileo in 1633 for publishing Dialogue, a book that argued that the earth revolved around the sun, rather than--as the Bible states- the other way around. In our day -...
Read full storyCarbon Dating Reveals Greg Oden to be Actual Caveman
For years now, the former #1 overall pick in the 2007 NBA draft, Greg Oden has been victim to hard luck and difficult circumstances due to numerous injuries. In the past 6 years, he has only been able to play in roughly one season's worth of game...
Read full storySnowflakes spotted in the South: 21 Confirmed Dead
Millions of viewers turned on their television sets to watch hordes of "Walkers" terrorizing the outlying areas of Atlanta recently. No, this was not the latest mid-season premiere of AMC's hit show The Walking Dead. Every major news outlet was...
Read full storyNazis planned mosquito attacks on London!
Heinrich Himmler, naughty Nazi, asked scientists in Dachau to test if mosquitoes could replace cyanide as an effective way of mass-murdering incarcerated Jews and if it worked then asked them to produce squadrons of the beasts so they could attack Lo...
Read full storyCan God, Rain Dancers Stop Dust Bowl In California?
TULARE, calif. -- California is facing its worst draught in history. It is forcing farmers there to leave idle thousands of acres of fields in the state that supplies almost half of the nation's fruits and vegetables. It has also left 17 rural towns...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Says Time Machine Took Her back in Time
I don't know what Miley Cyrus is into but she is telling everyone that she has been on a Time Machine and went back in time. Most are saying that she went to Colorado or Washinton and wound up thinking or dreaming that she was on a Time Machine.
Read full storyCheney Admits Bush Administration Didn't Have Weapons of Mass Destruction
Middle of Nowhere, WY Former Vice-President Dick Cheney said in an interview regarding the Iraqi War that the whole Bush administration (except for Colin Powell) knew that Iraq didn't have any WMDs. "We didn't really care if they had weapons of...
Read full storyJohn Travolta Given $8 Million Dollars for NOT Making Battlefield Earth II
Hollywood, CA. John Travolta was promised at least $8 million dollars from the Kickstarter website, organized by John Travolta's fans to NOT make Battlefield Earth II as originally threatened. One million of the dollars came from the first movi...
Read full storyAmazing Discovery in Corpse of Outlaw Jesse James!
In Kearney, Missouri a few years ago, the body of the person thought to be that of Jesse James the outlaw was dug up and taken to a laboratory to decide for a certainty that that is who the bones belonged to. After careful testing, the experts sta...
Read full storyNewly Discovered Greek Urn Reveals Surprising Origins of Olympic Luge Competition
Archaeologists from the National University of Nostralia have presented ground-breaking research on a newly discovered Grecian Urn, which they say is the earliest known depiction of the ancient Olympic sport of luge launching, known today as luge.
Read full storyApple Invents An iPod That Can Hold 7 Million Songs
CUPERTINO, California - Apple Inc. has just made an astounding announcement regarding its brand new Manzana Laser iPod. Apple Spokesperson Portia Yamashiro, 27, informed the news media that the consumer electronics giant has designed and developed...
Read full storyKiller Bees Invade Los Angeles
LOS ANGELES - Reports coming out of Los Angeles are that a group of African Killer Bees have invaded the city. A spokesperson for the city Hugo Tippertock stated that the AKB's came in from Arizona and they have started to fight with the European...
Read full storyBeautiful Venezuelan Olympic Ski Jumper Admits She Was Born A Male
SOCHI, Russia - One of the biggest surprises at The XXII Sochi Winter Olympics has just been uncovered by The Sochi Olympics Organizing Committee. SOOC Spokeswoman Tula Tambova has informed the world wide news media of a confession made by Juanita...
Read full storyThe U.S. Department of Weather States That The Statue of Liberty Could End Up Buried In Snow Up To Her Derriere
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The snow situation in the United States has gotten way, way out of hand. Meteorologists report that there is currently snow in 49 of the 50 states. The only state that has no snow is the Plywood State of Florida. Florida's De...
Read full storyKobe Bryant: I Will Play In The NBA All-Star Game If I Have To Do It On Crutches
LOS ANGELES - Kobe Bryant who says he feels like the poster boy for NBA basketball injuries says that he is tired of being hurt and injured. The Los Angeles Laker has had several injuries within the past year that many NBA fans feel could spell th...
Read full storyThe Gillette Company Offers Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson $1 Million To Shave His Beard Off In One Of Their Commercials
NEW YORK CITY - Everyday it seems like Phil Robertson and his Duck Dynasty family get all kinds of offers to film all kinds of commercials from beer and deodorant to chips and condoms. The latest company to come knocking on the Monroe, Louisiana d...
Read full storyNASCAR Legend Richard Petty Hits Danica Patrick Below The Belt and She Hits Him Right Back
TARZANA, California - Danica Patrick, the Darling of NASCAR, had just finished filming a public service commercial at The Gary Busey International Speedway when she was approached by a reporter with Sporting Chance Magazine. Hercules Confetti aske...
Read full storyMaksim Chmerkovskiy Attends The Sochi Olympics As The Special Guest of President Putin
SOCHI, Russia - The Dancing With The Stars dancer who is known as The Bad Boy of The Ballroom is excited at having received a personal invitation to attend the XXII Sochi Olympics. Maksim Chmerkovskiy informed Tittle Tattle Tonight's Pico de Gallo...
Read full storyMeteorologists Are Now Predicting That The Atlantic Ocean Could Freeze
NEW YORK CITY - Several well-respected U.S. meteorologists are reporting that the harsh winter will continue to get worse and they are now predicting that as amazing as it may sound, the Atlantic Ocean could end up totally freezing. Tilapia Frisbe...
Read full storyAnn Coulter Is Blaming The Harsh Winter On President Obama
NEW YORK CITY - Ann Coulter who is one of the most infamous GOP pundits has made an amazing comment on The Viagra View talk show. Coulter told co-host Larry King that she is placing full and complete blame for the horrendous winter we are having o...
Read full storyU.S. Construction Workers and Cowboys Being Retrained for Fresh Water Retrieval
NUUK, GREENLAND - In a cooperative educational program between Denmark and the U.S., America's laid off construction workers and cowboys will be retrained for fresh water retrieval in Greenland's vast ice sheet which covers 81% of the country (677,85...
Read full storyU.S. Government Puts Out Contracts for Rain and Snow Clouds
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Late last week, In a radical move to assist the Western U.S. in drought alleviation, the federal government issued solicitation for bids for attracting rain and snow clouds. Keenan Rodriguez, a spokesman for the National Oceanic...
Read full storyCometoid Streaks Down California Highway 99
MODESTO, CALIFORNIA - CHP motorcycle officer, Doug Pascal, was on patrol on the side of Hwy. 99 Thursday, in the early morning hours, when his radar gun picked up a speeding object going 20,000 mph. Thinking about the value of the speeding ticket...
Read full storyNorth Korea Wants to Host Summer Olympics
Kim Jong Un, rotund ruler of North Korea, expressed a desire for North Korea to hold the next Summer Olympics when it is held in 2016. He was quickly informed that it had been decided years ago that it would be held in Rio de Janeiro in Brazil in 20...
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