Carbon Dating Reveals Greg Oden to be Actual Caveman

Funny story written by dustylewis

Friday, 14 February 2014

For years now, the former #1 overall pick in the 2007 NBA draft, Greg Oden has been victim to hard luck and difficult circumstances due to numerous injuries.

In the past 6 years, he has only been able to play in roughly one season's worth of games. He has missed around 500 possible games of playing time due to injury. He has had problems with his knees and a broken wrist, just to name a couple of his ailments.

Most people write these injuries off as bad luck, a sad twist to a once promising career. But looking from the outside, there seems to be something more behind his injuries.

I've often thought that Oden looked a lot older than a college aged kid while at Ohio State. I also noticed that he closely resembles a Geico Caveman. Don't believe me, put his picture side by side and see the similarities. Shocking isn't it? But just looks alone is no way to prove the authenticity of one's origins or familial DNA. So I had to dig deeper.

I first spoke with doctors and surgeons regarding Oden's injuries. The multiple bone fractures that Oden has endured throughout his short career could be the result of thousands of years of degeneration. If he is a caveman, his bones would easily be lacking the Calcium and Vitamin D needed to fortify one's bones.

There is also the question about his size. He is 7 feet tall, isn't that much taller than the average 4 foot height of cavemen? Yes, but experts say this may just be a point that favors him being prehistoric than a normal homosapien. Dr. Claybrook, a specialist in cavemen and prehistoric ages, had this to say:

"Cave people were very centered around physical looks, much like today's society. Back then however, they were much less forgiving. If someone did not fit their "mold", then they were quick to banish outcasts, into the deep wilderness, away from their group.

"A caveman that stands 7 foot tall would easily be viewed unfavorably. Many of these outcast cavemen could have been caught in the North, frozen and preserved for thousands of years."

So Greg Oden could have possibly been an outcast of the caveman society, and preserved in ice for thousands of years. But how could it possibly be proven that Greg Oden being a caveman is fact instead of just theory? Well, that's where the help of Carbon Dating comes into play.

With Oden's multiple knee fractures over the years, doctors were able to remove some bone fragments and have them carbon date tested. The results were astounding. His skeletal body is estimated to be roughly between 40,000 and 43,000 years old.

Finally, the "smoking gun" we all needed. Recently, the media was finally able to question Oden about him being a caveman. However, when he reached the podium to speak, everyone began flashing their cameras and taking pictures.

He was visibly scared and was last heard shouting "FIRE BAD!" He turned to run, fell and injured his knee again. He will now miss another season due to injury.

Further attempts to speak with Oden have gone unsuccessful.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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