Obama hosts Area 51, Roswell summit for Jordan's King Abdullah II on Valentine's Day
Washington AC/DC - Officially, Obama is hosting bilateral President's Day talks with the Jordanian King at Sunnylands, Rancho Mirage in California this weekend at a sprawling 200-acre estate built by publisher-philanthropisst-diplomat Walter H Annenb...
Read full storyGigantic Chipmunk Fossil Skeleton Found in Wyoming
NEWCASTLE, WYOMING - Paleontologists from the University of Wyoming have announced the discovery of a gigantic form of western chipmunk, Neotamias, at a ranch north of Newcastle, Wyoming. The fossil skeleton, measuring 20 feet in length, was uncov...
Read full story25 Gifts Not to Give Your Wife (or Girlfriend) this Valentine's Day
Men, for your protection, the Editors have compiled a list of what not to give your wife or girl friend this Valentine's Day: 1.radar detector 2. leaf blower 3. hammock 4. ice fishing equipment 5. garbage disposal 6. vacuum cleaner 7. socket set or other tools 8. rat rod 9. pontoon boat 10. hip waders 11. sling shot 12. gift certificate to Cabela's Outdoor Sh...
Read full storyGod Regrets Destroying Sodom, but not Gomorrah
Kayoss News Network recently ran into God while he was getting some yogurt at Menchies. We sat down and had a casual chat where he dropped a bombshell about his role in the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah KNN-Hey God, how you doing? G-Not bad, how about yourself? KNN-Allright. Do you come here often? I've never seen you here G-Yeah, this place is the shit. I wish I had thought of it...
Read full storyDaily Mail to Syria: 'We Want Our Money Back'
The Daily Mail are to sponsor an advert appealing for donations towards British flood victims. The advert, to be shown all across Syria, will feature a broad spectrum of white, middle-class people who currently live under the water. The newspaper...
Read full storyExiled Russian tycoon's $220m UK mansion sinks in flooding quagmire
Henley on Thames, Berks - Hope is fading fast tonight for former Gore 2000 supporter and Interpol Red Notice fugitive Andrey Borodin's $220m (£140m) Palladian pile on the banks of the River Thames in Berkshire. Park Place, a 100-room marble and gi...
Read full storyNew Toking/Smoking Weather Forecast Available
DENVER, COLORADO - The Denver/Boulder Office of the National Weather Service will now include the new and specific forecasting of Chinook winds as they apply to the distribution of marijuana and other kinds of personal smoke down along the front rang...
Read full storyHell's Canyon to be Used as Garbage Ravine
WALLA WALLA, WASHINGTON - Officials announced today that Waste Management of the West (WMOW) has signed an agreement with the federal government to begin utilizing Hell's Canyon as their newest waste site for Oregon, Washington, and Idaho. Hell...
Read full storyGenoproject Results Continue To Surprise
WASHINGTON, D.C. - At a news conference earlier this week, Dr. Spencer Wells, the National Geographic Explorer-in-Residence, announced more surprising results from the Genoproject's Multiyear research. According to Wells, by using their "cutting-e...
Read full storySuzanne Somers Says She & Husband Have Sex 2-3 Times Every Night!
"Then there are the days", she sighs. She also admitted that her 67-year-old husband just had to use a lot of penis pills, etc and she did all the work. "I wasn't allowed to tell this on the Thighmaster infomercials except in Europe. But they r...
Read full storyMother Embarrassed By Wrinkled Penis Found on Miami Beach
It was the most embarrassing thing in the world according to Mrs. Jane Myers of Miami. I realize that I should not be complaining about things, she reportedly told a lifeguard, when the whole south almost, has had a rough winter and here I am taki...
Read full storyNewly Married Couple Tell Friends About Their Hot Honeymoon
The Andersons come over to visit the new couple on the block, just back from their Honeymoon. "We're glad you're over here within visiting distance after the four of us being friends now for three years", stated Mr. Anderson. "We're glad to be on this block", stated Henry. "But we had a whale of a honeymoon." "Why, Donna's blushing. Look at that." "Oh there's a lot more to tell and he...
Read full storyIndependent Scotland 'wouldn't flood', claims Sturgeon
There would be no flooding in an independent Scotland it was claimed today. The bold statement was made by Deputy First Minister Nicola Sturgeon, who was making a speech from somewhere up really, really high. "This just goes to prove yet another diff...
Read full storyWaterways Agency hunt for missing canals
With the recent devastating flooding across the south of England, the Waterways Agency have requested help from the government to locate hundreds of miles of missing canals. "We thought we knew where they were," said Walter Way, head of Canal main...
Read full storyTransgender rapist 'Faked' being transgender to get in a women's prison
In every Daily Mail reader's wet dream, Justine Hardwood was recently found to have 'faked' being transgender in order to be sent to Styal women's prison. In a bizarre twist, she has asked to be moved to a male prison, but denied the request. "A...
Read full storyThe Sultry and Sexy Maria Sharapova Spotted At The Sochi Winter Olympics
SOCHI, Russia - One of the world's greatest and prettiest tennis players Maria Sharapova was spotted at The XXII Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. The 6-foot-2-inch tall Sharapova was interviewed by Rufus Reno with Sports Balls Illustrated Daily.
Read full storyColorado Says No To Marijuana Smoking In Hospital Delivery Rooms
PUEBLO, Colorado - The hospital administrator at Pueblo Patient's Hospital has just stated that although pot smoking is allowed on hospital property, it will not be allowed in hospital delivery rooms. The rule was put into effect after Leon Refell...
Read full storyNina Dobrev and Liam Hemsworth Seen Cuddling and Kissing
WEST HOLLYWOOD - It appears that two rebounders can get together and make a pretty good-looking couple. Nina Dobrev, star of The Vampire Diaries and Liam Hemsworth, star of The Hunger Games ran into each other at West Hollywood's newest bar, The S...
Read full storyPresident Obama Tells Iran To Call Back Their Atlantic Ocean Boats Or He'll Blow Them Out of The Water
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama has sent a very strongly worded message to the Iranian government. The president informed Iranian President Hassan Rouhani that he will not play games with Iran and he had better call back his boats or else they...
Read full storyRussia Lays Off 80 Spies - Blames It On The Economy
MOSCOW - The Vodkavich News Agency has just learned that the Russian government has had to furlough some federal workers. The national news agency has said that the KGB has laid off 80 spies due to the down spiraling Russian economic situation.
Read full storyTennis Star Anna Kournikova Travels To Sochi, Russia To Cheer On Her Long Time Friend
SOCHI, Russia - Tennis legend Anna Kournikova flew to Sochi, Russia to see her life long friend Kendarla Singwesi of Indonesia compete in the XXII Winter Olympics. Anna told Zorro LaBamba with The Sports Bet Gazette that she promised Kendy, as she...
Read full storyA Blizzard Hits The Sahara Desert
SOUTHEASTERN, Algeria - Algeria's national weather agency has commented that as astounding as it seems, a full-blown blizzard has hit the Sahara Desert dumping 13 inches of snow on the sand. Reports are that it is the very first time that snow has...
Read full storyKaty Perry Fears That Boyfriend John Mayer Is Cheating On Her
BEVERLY HILLS - The "I Kissed A Girl and I Liked It" singer, Katy Perry has told her hair stylist FuFi Fondue that she is afraid that her boyfriend John Mayer is cheating on her. Fondue flipped his hair and replied, "Well duh! What did you expect...
Read full storyDemi Moore's Latest Boy Toy Is 19
BEVERLY HILLS - Demi Moore's ex-husband, Bruce Willis who is the father of her three semi-pretty daughters Rumer, Scout, and Tallulah, has let Demi know that he is tired of her calling him up at all hours. Willis talked to Carolina Chipotle with B...
Read full storyBruce Jenner Says He'll End Up Much Prettier Than His Wife Kris Kardashian-Jenner
LOS ANGELES - Bruce Jenner has said that he has always liked the female name Bridget, as in Bridget Bardot. He has suggested that he will most probably pick that as his female name after he goes through his SRS (sexual reassignment surgery). J...
Read full storyDaily Mail reader has heart attack arguing on a forum
Daily Mail reader, Carl White, had a heart attack last night while arguing his position on a forum when he came up against people with facts. "Normally," said wife of fifteen years, Brenda White, "our Carl would stick to the comments section on th...
Read full storyA Night in the Life of a Car Rental Guy at SFO
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA - It was a great night for sleeping at SFO until a "thirty something" couple from Boston, Massachusetts threw a major fit at a low level car rental employee's kiosk at SFO at 2:00 in the morning. The sleepy car rental guy, who had unfortunately drawn the night shift, was unable to give the exhausted couple the white Nissan Altima they had reserved ahead of time from t...
Read full storyFrench-Canadian Olympians Crave "Poutine"
SOCHI, RUSSIA Canadian athletes--primarily the francophones-- have been spotted wandering the streets of Sochi, phrasebooks and smartphones in hand, asking bewildered restaurateurs, shopkeepers, and ordinary citizens: "Where can we go to eat some po...
Read full storyU.S. National Debt: $1.1 Billion Per Citizen
WASHINGTON, DC - Each U.S. citizen now has a federal-debt liability of $1.1 billion - and rising. The public tends to focus on truly important topics, such as Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber, but the National debt just passed $17 quadrillion, up...
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