UEFA to order investigation into one man team
UEFA head honcho Michelle Platypus, the Frenchman with the woman's name, has demanded an immediate investigation into Tottenham Horsespurs 3-0 win over Inter Milan in the Thursday night Eur-trypa League. Only one of the three goals came from Spur...
Read full storyCarl Crawford Offers $140million for His Thoughts, Not a Penny More
We've got Carl Crawford where we want him. Crawford has something stuck in his craw, and it's the Boston media. In his weekly dump on Boston, this time he complained vociferously about the media. Grousing season has begun, and it is open season...
Read full storyDrunken Cardinals In Orgy Of Violence Cause Havoc In Rome's Nightclubs And Bars
Rome is preparing itself for another night of violence, vandalism and mayhem as more cardinals arrive in the Italian city to vote on a new pope. "It happens every time they need a new pontiff," explained bar owner Luigi Pistone as he swept broken...
Read full story#@%&#! Will No Longer Be Used To Represent Swear Words
Cartoonists and others who for decades have used "#@%&#!" to represent curse words are outraged by a plan to cease using the symbols. Beginning July 1st, #@%&#! will be replaced by "<>?{}!," said Lunabird Fistermacher of the US Departm...
Read full storyACLU to Sue On Behalf of Elderly Cat Burglar With Squeaky Artificial Hip
An ACLU spokesperson said today the organization plans to sue artificial hip manufacturer Flexton, LLC on behalf of 71 year old Huey Beedlecorn, a serial cat burglar who was captured by police around 3:00am Monday while allegedly trying to burglarize...
Read full storyTexas to Auction off WWII Bazookas
Special to TP News - Republican Governor Rick Perry announced that 2,500 surplus World War II-era bazookas will be offered to the public in a special auction. These recoilless-rocket antitank weapons were used extensively against the Nazis during the...
Read full storyPope Enjoying Retirement, Says
ROME, ITALY - Now ex-Pope Benedict XVI has given his first interview since retirement to Italian media channel "Televisio El Italiano" from his Roman mansion earlier today. The interviewer questioned him on such topics as "why the big hat?", "how do you wash the big hat?" and "can I have a big hat?" The Pope simply waved his hand and explained. "My name is Cardinal Ratzinger, please. I am Pope...
Read full storyPrince Harry to be new face of TV Burp
Following a successful stint on Comic Relief making impoverished africans laugh, the normally half-naked Prince Harry is to audition for the part of Harry Hill on ITVs successful tea-time comedy TV Burp. Harry, who describes himself on twitter as...
Read full storyWest Ham to quit playing football and take up athletics instead
David Sullivan, pornagrapher-in-chief at Wet Sham United, have dramatically announced the club will no longer play football in an attempt to get the taxpayer funded Olympic Stadium and £40 million of free council tax money from Newham Council. Spe...
Read full storyDamn Yankees Suffer Curse of Mr. Applegate
When Mr. Applegate made a deal with the lowly Washington team in Damn Yankees, it was clear he had already a deal in place with the New York Yankees. He was double-dealing. Someone on the Bronx Bombers has now reneged on the deal. The House of Rut...
Read full storyNorth Korea Invades Venezuela
In the wake of Hugo Chavez' wake, elements of North Korea's crack "Stealth Invasion Force" or SIF has established a beachhead on the Venezuelan coast outside of the capital city, Caracas. It is estimated that approximately 700 SIF combatants have...
Read full storyDennis Rodman Moving To North Korea
NEW YORK CITY - When Dennis Rodman landed in the North Korean capital of Pyongyang, crowds numbering in the thousands chanted in unison, DEN-NIS! DEN-NIS! DEN-NIS! Rodman turned to his North Korean interpreter and asked if they meant Dennis Quaid...
Read full storyThe Piers Morgan - Omarosa Feud Getting Hotter Than Hell!
NEW YORK CITY - There are probably no two individuals in the United States who dislike, despise, and downright detest each other more than talk show host Piers Morgan and Omarosa Piers Morgan is noted for being a long time journalist and Omarosa i...
Read full storyWestboro Plans to Fly to Sulu to Picket Sabah Standoff
SULU, PHILIPPINES (Acme World News) -- The infamous Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) plans to fly to the Philippines to picket the standoff in Sabah, Malaysia. Margie Phelps, daughter of WBC pastor Fred Phelps, posted on her Twitter that they are sc...
Read full storyStudents Protest About Teacher with New and Improved Term Paper Format
HARLEM SHAKE, NY (Acme Quicknews) -- Students of Leonidas Memorial High School protest in front of the school gates last March 5, 2013. According to Angelica Maldita, a Grade 10 student of the said school, the protest is for their English teacher...
Read full storyBlue Man Group Complains of Discrimination
Members of the Blue Man Group of entertainers filed a discrimination lawsuit in federal court today, naming several defendants. While the exact allegations are sealed, one member of the Blue Man Group who requested anonymity said that management...
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