Junkie Turkeys found on Norfolk farm
A large turkey farm in Norfolk has been closed after traces of methadone were found in the turkey. "We were checking the turkeys for horse meat contamination," said Fisheries and Farming minister, James Bond. "Having checked all the foods in freez...
Read full storyNew ATM Opens At Local Sperm Bank
After several months of construction, the staff at Little Wigglies Sperm Bank celebrated the opening of their eagerly anticipated ATM today. "It was very exciting. We had a ribbon cutting ceremony and served Red Bull and oyster snacks," gushed...
Read full storyTaylor Swift Breaks Up With Herself
Taylor swift has sensationally broken up with herself telling friends and family "That's it, we are done, it is over, we are never, EVER, getting back together!" The break up has come as a surprise to many but for some it seems it is a regular o...
Read full storyTaylor Swift Breaks Up With Her Mailman, Guys Who Mow Her Lawn, Kid Who Bags Her Groceries And Passing Cyclist All In One Day
Taylor Swift has announced that she has broken up with her 54 year old mailman - Eric, the spotty teenager who bags her groceries at her local supermarket, Jose AND Manuel, who provide lawn care for her palatial home and an unknown cyclist who happen...
Read full storyDennis Rodman should be hung!" says GOP! "He is!" says Kim Jong-un.
Senators John McCain and Lindsay Graham took to the Senate floor yesterday afternnon while holding hands and condemned in highly charged language the visit of Dennis Rodman to North Korea. A red faced and agitated McCain screamed, "This is no way...
Read full storyVatican Elects Protestant Pope
The Vatican made the startling announcement that, for the first time, they would be appointing a Protestant pope. Onlookers were startled when the new pope suddenly ran out of the Vatican and ripped his papal clothes to shreds. "You don't n...
Read full storyTaylor Swift Hits Back At Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
ASPEN - Taylor Swift was in Colorado getting in some recreational skiing. While in Aspen she revealed to Hollywood Innuendo reporter Fajita San Guacamole that she is still very upset with the sarcastically sophomoric remarks made about her by Tina...
Read full storyScottish Nationalist Chavs mourn Hugo Chavez
Glasgow - The Venezuelan dictator famously gave his name to legions of 'council housed and violent' Brits known by the pejorative epithet 'Chav'. Identifiable by blingy street-couture chic the subculture's Scottish Nationalist branch is in mournin...
Read full storyFrench horse burgers contained 20% turkey twizzler meat, which contained 100% horse meat.
It's been a frantic 24 hours. First, the ironic twist of fate when French horse burgers were found to contain 20% of that great British food, the turkey twizzler. Confusion then reigned after it was found the turkey twizzlers contained up to 100%...
Read full storyResidents Getting Fracked Off
Shale gas extraction through fracking has caused a lot of concern for residents in areas where drilling for shale gas has been given the go-ahead. Freckleton, a village on The Fylde near Preston in Lancashire has been the latest victim of Cuadrill...
Read full storyApologetic Ministry Founder Excommunicated by the Vatican Due to Controversial Essay
VATICAN CITY (Acme World News) -- The Vatican stated on its latest press release that Matthew Slick, founder of the Christian Apologetics and Research Ministry (CARM), is excommunicated due to his controversial articles on his website. "Such relig...
Read full storyWall Street Journal acting like Dow's record high and Chavez's death somehow related
NEW YORK, NY--With their banner headline, "CHAVEZ DEAD; DOW HITS NEW HIGH", the Wall Street Journal seemed to be implying that the death of Venezuela's controversial president and the stock market index's milestone high were connected events, rea...
Read full storyPresident Obama Makes Vice-President Joe Biden Apologize For Doing The Harlem Shake
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama caving in to the advice of his wife, the first mama, has asked the vice-president to apologize for his version of the Harlem Shake. President Obama, Vice-President Biden, and Piers Morgan were all having lunch at...
Read full storyCalifornia Threatens Spin Doctors
SACRAMENTO - Dalrymple's Dictionary defines the term spin doctor, as being a public relations individual who is paid big bucks to put a positive spin on anything of a negative nature. According to The Cucamonga Chit Chat Chronicle the term first c...
Read full storyGary Busey To Host New TV Reality Game Show - Dysfunctional Celebrities
BURBANK - The Contempo Television Network (CTN) has just announced that it is adding a new reality game show to its viewing line up. The show is a Goodmeister-Toddheimer Production in association with XYZ TeleFilms and is titled Dysfunctional Cele...
Read full storyKobe "Vino" Bryant Explains How He Finally Managed To Get The Lakers Fired Up
LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Lakers have finally made it to .500 ball and superstar Kobe Bryant is taking the credit. Kobe, who has just given himself the new nickname of Vino (Wine), recently spoke with Rufus Reno of Sports Balls Illustrated Dai...
Read full storyThe Boo Birds Boo Bieber and Mel B
LOS ANGELES - The Cucamonga Chit Chat Chronicle is reporting that the boo birds were out in force as Justin Bieber and former Spice Girl Mel B were both booed by irate fans. Bieber was booed after showing up two hours and three minutes late for hi...
Read full storyDennis Rodman to Represent Obama at the Hugo Chavez Funeral
The White House has announced this evening that Ambassador-At-Large Dennis Rodman will represent President Obama at Hugo Chavez' funeral. It is rumored that Chavez was a huge admirer of the basketball diplomat and that his last words were, "Denn...
Read full storyHorse meat strikes a big target
London, England. Her Majesty The Queen has been admitted to hospital after eating dodgy meatballs that were later verified as being made from horse meat. Doctors claimed that Her Maj microwaved the suspect foods before consumption and ate them with a...
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