News Anchor Wolf Blitzer Accused of Lying About His Sleep Number Setting
CNN announced today the network has suspended Wolf Blitzer, host of the news program The Situation Room after he allegedly lied about his Sleep Number setting. "Wolf has told other correspondents and members of the public on numerous occasions t...
Read full storySpace Ship Lands In Gary Busey's Backyard
TARZANA, California - Someone once said that Gary Busey's rowboat is missing both oars. It's also been said about the man with the bird's nest hairdo that he has all the charm of a speed bump. But Gary has a tremendous sense of humor. He knows...
Read full storyGiant Rodent Infestation Causing Anxiety In Florida
A central Florida community has launched citizen patrols after reports that giant sized rodents had been spotted in several locations, striking fear into the hearts of townsfolk. The first sighting of the massive rodent, which some described as 'h...
Read full storyNew brain: "I'm living the dream," says Louis
Looking tired but relaxed, Louis Walsh emerged this afternoon from Beaumont Hospital with neurosurgeon Willie Bodgem at his side. Louis waved enthusiastically to no-one in particular as a Private Eye reporter waited, hungry for the first utterance fr...
Read full storyThe Lakers May Fire Mike D'Antoni and Hire Phil Jackson
LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Lakers fell to the Phoenix Suns 97-86 in Phoenix in what was billed as Steve Nash's homecoming. The point guard's homecoming was nothing but more heartache as the Lakers are now languishing with a 20-26 record. Spo...
Read full storyBoris Gudenuf for London Mayor again
Londoners have shown their Masonite enabling love of the true blue yet again by electing the mop top Tory blond Boris Gudenuf for another turd, or is that term? The leather faced goodbye boy Lank Kivington said it had been a good blow job by blow...
Read full storyQueen and Government 'In It Together'
In an historic statement the Queen and Prime Minister Cameron have agreed they are 'in it together'. They will jointly demonstrate that even the most powerful people in British society are going to take their share of the national burden. Followin...
Read full storyBudget airline claim Iceland are to blame for volcanic eruption!
Cheap and nasty airline, R++n++r, have been ordered to pay compensation to their passengers that were grounded during the Icelandic eruption of the volcano, Eyjafjallajokull, not Bjork. Airline boss, Michael O'Leprechaun (name changed for illegal...
Read full storySweater Sales Skyrocket As Fresh Baked Treats Go Untouched
Mothers across the United States are noticing an unsettling trend: cookie jars across the country are going undisturbed as their children find their solace in sweaters instead. Reports of this rise in cookie ignoring began in December with Floren...
Read full storyCivil War Re-enactors and Radio Shack Managers Clash at Convention Center
No one was injured yesterday when a group of Civil War re-enactors scuffled with approximately two dozen Radio Shack managers. The groups were attending separate conventions at the downtown Bradford Dillman Convention Center and began fighting while...
Read full story162 Chances Exceeds Both Reach and Grasp of Red Sox
The Boston Red Sox have a new campaign to win back fans. They are insisting they have 162 chances to redeem themselves. Cats only have nine lives, but the Red Sox are defying the odds-makers from Las Vegas. They could win 162 games, though base...
Read full storyA List of Some License Plate Slogans For 2013
The United States Commission on State License Plate Slogan Approval has just announced a list of ten brand new automotive license plate slogans for 2013. Winnie Leona "Tags" Tagliobissi, the commission's executive director, informed the news media that, unlike previous years, none of the submitted slogans were rejected due to either vulgarity, racism, use of foreign words, or improper grammar.
Read full storyThe Super Bowl Committee Has Banned The Jenny McCarthy Commercial For Paul Bunyan Condoms
NEW YORK CITY - Hollywood celebrity Jenny McCarthy is reportedly fit to be tied after hearing that her 30 second Super Bowl commercial has been dropped from the list of Super Bowl advertisements. According to Clarice Belle Terracutler, an assistan...
Read full storyAtheism Outlawed In Arkansas
LITTLE ROCK - In a historic move, the Arkansas state legislature has voted 34-1 to outlaw atheism within the state. Senator Stubblefield P. Bootneck, 49, of Monticello stated to Political Salad Bar Magazine that the issue was voted on to show the...
Read full storyActress Bea Arthurs sues National Enquirer over article "Stars you thought were dead, but aren't" - Complains: "But I AM dead!"
Deceased actress Bea Arthur is suing the National Enquirer over a feature that appeared in last month's issue entitled, "Stars You Thought Were Dead But Aren't." According to Arthur's attorney, Dee Icer, the crux of the lawsuit is the fact that...
Read full storyTennessee To Welfare Kids: Bad Grades = No Food
Everyone knows that I'm an extreme conservative. I'm the kind of conservative who listens to Ronald Reagan's speeches while watching Fox News at the gun range. Today's hero of freedom is Tennessee's State Congressman Stacey Campfield. Stacey is the kind of man (you read that right! Totally a dude named Stacey) who has big ideas. One of his first big ideas was that AIDS in only a gay thing.
Read full storyIntroducing The Karl Valentin 'Schonsten Blodsinn' Contest
Every year since 1969 Bavaria's greatest inventors have assembled for a contest that would try their talents to the limits. It is a grueling test of imagination, innovation, creativity, genius and, well, madness. No, it is not a gathering of engineers designing next year's new BMW, it is the annual Karl Valentine Schonsten Blodsinn Wettbewerb. Schonsten Blodsinn Wettbewerb? Translated that's...
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